Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Learn to live with son's threesome for his kids' sake

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Last Easter my son told me I was going to be a grandma again -- but not by his wife, with his girlfriend. His wife took this girl in, a few years back. There were insinuations that she (his wife) was exploring whether or not she was bisexual. My husband and I chose to ignore what we could not fix. The girl continued to live with them. Son and daughter-in-law each had a child before marrying each other, then had two kids together. The girlfriend came with a small child. Now they are all having this child together. They can barely put enough food on the table now! We all know love is not enough. I'm so angry and disappointed and confused. Why in the hell do they have to do things like this? Living as a threesome is only going to cause a catastrophe. It's so wrong! If it weren't for the grandkids, my husband and I would break all contact. They know we don't agree with this lifestyle. The baby was born recently and I want to see the new baby, but I'm still confused and angry at their behaviour. It's not the baby's fault he was born to such idiots. I don't want to accept things the way they are even though I can't change it. I don't want them to think that everything is alright when it isn't. Any advice on how to handle this situation? -- Confused Grandma, Winnipeg

Dear Confused: What is your preaching going to do, except bring a feeling of shame to the children over their parents' lifestyle -- which they can't help -- and cause the adults to distance from you? Try hard not to concern yourselves with the adults' unusual relationship. Just love those grandchildren to the best of your ability -- all six of them. Grandparents don't have much for rights in the country. Mostly, they operate on privilege -- to see the kids, teach them, take them home for sleepovers. If this adult threesome breaks up, it could be much worse for you. Your son might lose custody to his non-blood kids, and you would see very little of three out of six of those children. So, you'd be wise to keep things cordial with all three of the parents of this little group and babysit freely. If and when things break up, you want the doors to be open to you to all of the children. If the parents are having trouble feeding those kids, bring healthy food for dinner and the freezer as well as cookies. Also help with gifts of clothes and running shoes and school supplies and extra-curricular classes, if you know the kids are doing without things. Just be a big help, as a friend and grandmother to these children. Keep on ignoring the parental situation. Blood is blood. Don't cut them off.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been with my fiancé for six years and love him to pieces, but recently his brother moved back into town. He drinks way too much (every day to excess), is irresponsible (took off on his daughter), and is just generally rude and a bad influence. However, my fiancé thinks his brother is the greatest. They've been spending more and more time together. I sit home alone and wondering how drunk he's going to be when he gets home. I tried to be civil, but I'm approaching my breaking point when his brother spills beer all over my couch, stinks up my home with cigarettes, taps ashes on the floor, and throws the butts in the sink of dishes! My fiancé doesn't understand why I'm upset. I've asked him several times not to drink so much, and that I am worried it is becoming a habit (alcoholism runs in his family). -- Sober Lonely One

Dear Sober Lonely One: Your fiancé is no angel. He's weak, attracted by bad behaviour and may be an alcoholic-in-training. The problem is not with the bad brother. Your fiancé gets a kick out of drinking, he's leaving you alone and his attitude is "tough on you." Instead of sitting there waiting for him to come home drunk again, use the time to pack. He knows why you're unhappy and feeling disrespected and he's not stopping the drinking and neglect. Open your eyes now, before you marry an alcoholic and have children in this situation.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 29, 2009 D8

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