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Let your husband know peeping at him was a thrill

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: OK I did something bad. I peeped on my husband when he thought he was alone and caught him watching porn and the whole darn thing going on. It was a thrill for me, but now he's mad. I like porn myself and don't care if he has a private little library himself. Why is he getting so righteous about this? I'm sorry I mentioned seeing him. How do I get back to Square 1 from here? I wish I'd never done it, but I did. -- Caught Peeping, Charleswood

Dear Caught: He's embarrassed underneath the anger. Some things are still private within a live-in relationship and he thought he was entertaining himself in private. So, how can you soothe him so he won't continue to be embarrassed? First you promise you won't do it again, and second, you tell him that it gave you a thrill. How can a guy be quite as embarrassed after hearing that, instead of what he fears ---- you mocking him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: All my partner ever thinks about is sex and we are a lesbian couple. Part of the reason I have enjoyed our relationship so far is the de-emphasis on sex and emphasis on affection. But, since my wife has gotten so comfortable and trusting with me, she's blossomed into a passionate flower I hardly recognize. She wants to try a lot of stuff I feel really uncomfortable with, being a good Catholic girl. Her attitude is "just blast past your inhibitions" as if she wrote the book of lesbian love. How do I react to this new woman when I just feel awkward. She is very well read on these new adventures. -- So Uncomfortable, Fort Rouge

Dear Uncomfortable: Let her take you along on her adventure. She loves you and you are her lover, so she will be looking for ways to make you feel comfortable and happy. Explain to her that you have been a bit of a fuddy-duddy up to now, but you're going to try to buy into the project. You helped create this wonderful feeling of trust and safety. Now it's time for you to turn the lead role over to her. You can say no to anything you don't want. That's always the deal between sex partners, but it's nice to give most things a little try, instead of vetoing something you know nothing about.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has been talking in his sleep and I am a light sleeper, unfortunately for both of us. He has dreams where he says erotic things that sometimes make sense or not. I was getting into this and waking myself up fully to listen -- until last night when he clearly was having a dream about a woman we know. I thought he had eyes for her last time she was over here with her husband. Is he allowed to dream about other women and not be reprimanded? Too late! I told him I was very upset. He said he can't control who he dreams about or if he speaks out loud in the dream. "Just because you have your erotic dreams on mute doesn't mean you aren't dreaming about some other guy -- and I don't care!" he says. We're married now. Why is he dreaming about her? -- Jealous and Not Sleeping, River Heights

Dear Jealous: It's easy to empathize with you -- most people would be upset if they heard their lover saying some other woman's name in the middle of a sexy mumble in their sleep. But dream time is a time-out where the mind plays with all kinds of thoughts, images, fears and desires -- all in a big jumble. You have these dreams too, girlfriend! Would you like your husband giving you the third degree about them? Sometimes you can dream about a person's name and they have a different body and a different soul. He may be dreaming about your body and soul and be calling you by her name, or not. Wake him up next time he mentions another woman's name and ask him about his dream. You may be glad you did or wish you didn't, but it beats lying there fuming over imagined cheating.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6, or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition December 4, 2011 A15

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