Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Lose the attitude or you'll lose her

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is tall, slim and extremely beautiful. She either wants to be a doctor or a model. Duh! As if there's any choice. Why would she be a brainless model instead of a doctor? What a waste of a life! I told her she'd be a fool not to take her parents' offer of money to get her through seven years of school, and she's actually "deliberating" that. She says she might like to do something that involves excitement and travelling the world. Great. Where does that leave me? If she stayed here, she could take science and medicine while I take arts and law. I want to marry her already. She knows that. So what's up with this crap about being a ditzy model? That's for the dum-dums of the world and she's not a dum-dum, or so I thought. -- Future Lawyer, Winnipeg

Dear Future Lawyer: This decision is not about you. Duh! It's all about your girlfriend's future and she may want to be an international model first, and go to university to be a doctor, second. Modelling careers often don't last on the international scene for more than 10-15 years. By the way, it's usually the smart girls who do well in modelling as they must look after themselves and their careers at an early age. You are showing your own ignorance by tying modelling to low intelligence. A medical career can wait; modelling cannot. If she's interested in both, there's only one order in which to do this. In the meantime, if you want to hang onto her, you'd do well to mind your own business, and step back while she makes her own important life decisions, instead of jeering from the sidelines. She won't forget your negative, self-serving attitude.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a younger woman of 20 in love with a man 20-plus years my senior and I thought he cared about me too. We have been out to dinner a few times and we finally went to bed last weekend, I am head-over-heels for him now, and he doesn't seem to be responding in the same way as before. He's grown cold. For me, making love was the tipping point to feeling a flood of warm love. Now he seems content to just be friends again. I finally cornered him in the lunchroom and asked if he was bothered by the 23-year age difference, and he said, "Not right now, but I wouldn't want to be some old guy being pushed around in a wheelchair by you one day." I thought that was a disgusting thing to say, and told him so. He has ignored me except for mechanical "hellos" the last few days where we work. What can I do? -- Confused by Cold Reaction

Dear Confused: It looks like you have been used. To feel desired by a young woman is an ego boost to man in his 40s who may be feeling the beginning of a mid-life crisis. This older man -- let's hope he's not your boss -- chased you until he caught you and bedded you. For him the flirtation was fun while it lasted but he has no intention of being with a woman who's so much younger. Your best tactical bet would be to be cool towards him, instead of chasing him, thought it's difficult for you now. Men and women have opposite reactions to first sex. It can be the tipping point for feelings of "love" for women once it happens, but the start of a turnoff for a man, if sex was all he was looking for, and the thrill of the chase is over. As long as the woman just wants sexual recreation and not a relationship, he may stay turned on to her, but you clearly want a relationship. While his ego was satisfied by catching you, he has told you he's deflated at the thought of looking and feeling old by comparison to you. BTW, what are you doing messing around at work, especially with a guy who's of an age to hold a position of power?

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition May 18, 2011 D3

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