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Make amends to wife, get help for gambling

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is a woman of fearsome proportions. She is tall and big and tough and she could deck me. I am a slimmer guy, but taller than her, and we get along really well. I like to play the submissive role in the bedroom. Then I crossed her, and everything has changed. I took a whack of money from our joint account when I was inebriated and out gambling and I lost it all -- $500. She hit the roof when she found out. She pinned me up against the wall in the hallway and threatened to knee me in the groin. She could have done it, but she let me go at the last minute. I am actually scared of her now. It has changed my feelings about "intimacy" with her, now she has threatened me in real life. I just don't feel like getting that close anymore. Can you help me get back to the place where we were? -- Miserable, Outside Winnipeg

Dear Miserable: You need to return the money, plus extra, so you feel like an equal in the real-life relationship again. Think of it as "interest" on a loan. The more money you can put in that account the better. Flowers will not work, nor will any kind of gift. Nothing but making restitution for the money. Plus, you need to start attending meetings for gambling addiction if you are at the VLTs or gambling tables regularly. Also talk to her about the serious physical threat of violence she made to you. No matter what you did, she shouldn't have threatened you with violence. She had you up against the wall, ready to do serious pain and violence to you. She needs to apologize for that sincerely. It has taken away trust and sexual desire for her. She doesn't sound like the type who'd want to go for counselling, but if she still loves you, she might. It's worth a try.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm in bad trouble over my job. I was lazy and fed up, and took three days off after the weekend to stay home and take time to kick back and see some old friends who were visiting in town. My boss -- a woman -- stopped over to see if I needed help because she heard I was very ill. I was having dinner and wine with those friends from B.C. and she could see the table and party the minute I opened the door. My boss is a kind of friend at work, but she left with a face like thunder. The next day she called me into her office and told me I was fired. I apologized all over the place and begged for a second chance. She gave it to me, but I got a long lecture from her. I don't think she wants me there anymore, but I want to stay. Should I be looking for a job or just work twice as hard and hope for the best? -- Scared, North End

Dear Scared: Either you correctly read your boss's mind -- or you're feeling your own fear. She may want to keep you and may feel the lecture will be enough to straighten you out. But, you never know how things will work on a person over time. She may end up feeling she doesn't want you around. You blew it big time and deserved to get fired. Start saving your money, working late, and thinking about a Plan B in case you get fired in the end. An extra apology after doing a lot of extra work (without invoicing for overtime) might help to heal her feeling of betrayal by you as an employee.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm 12 and my sister is 15. I know she got a tattoo and haven't told my parents yet. They don't know because it doesn't show. Should I tell? She is always Miss Goody Two Shoes and it is tempting to tell them what she did. Mom will be very mad. Tonight I threatened to tell her, unless she gave me $20. She told me to go to hell. Now I am really mad. -- Brother Who Knows, St. Vital

Dear Bro Who Knows: Zip it. There will come a time in the not-too-distant future when you will be a rebellious teenager and need her to keep quiet for you. Sooner or later your sister will get careless and mom will discover her daughter has a tattoo. Then there will be a mighty row. Moms tend to hate scribbles, no matter how artful, on their 15-year-old daughter's skin. Let this unfold in its own time. Trouble is on the way, but you don't need to be the one who caused it.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6, or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 22, 2011 G9

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