DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend puts on a big show whenever we have sex. He thinks he is expressing what other men cannot -- the male orgasm. It is very loud, like a lion roaring, and at first it turned me on. Then it started making me snicker, and now I bite my lip to keep from laughing. It is so fake and so silly for a man to be doing this. Who cares? We're not in the jungle. There are no other animals to scare off. I told him I think he's faking it and now he's mad. I still think it's 90 per cent performance, and it's certainly not to please me, so why does he do it? Did I mention he's a big-time bodybuilder? What do you think? Real or fake? -- Pale O's by Comparison, Wpg.
Dear Comparison: He's getting a major charge out of roaring, for himself and the people who live within half a block. That's why he doesn't care if you don't like it. Just the way some women turn themselves on more by creating a symphony, he's having a better orgasmic experience when he roars like he's king of the beasts. Distract him by introducing tantric sex, where you prolong a high level of arousal for as much as an hour or so. Then the male also has a full body orgasm, like a woman's. He won't have enough energy left over to fake any kind of roaring. And, it will be equally good for you. It does take yoga-like control, though. So, appeal to the bodybuilder in him and sell this new kind of sex as an Olympic level of performance.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is leaving me, little by little. Clothes, shoes and colognes have been disappearing from his closets and drawers and don't come back. He says the clothes "went to the cleaners." We still have wonderful sex every night. I mean, it would blow your mind. I asked my closest friend what she thought, and she said: "Let's go follow him after work." So we did, and it was very confusing. He went to a place where he had a key. When I looked on the list of names on the panel, his mother's maiden name was listed. Why would he be keeping a second place? I know you have suggested getting private detectives to find out the truth, but somehow I think that handing him a report from a professional tail would make him disgusted with me and force him away from me completely. He still sleeps here and say he loves me, but I'm not believing that anymore. I still love and desire him all the time. Help! -- Going Out Of My Mind, Wpg.
Dear Going: When do YOU go from desire to disgusted? Though the sex you're getting is great, your husband's leading a double life. You can bet the second place is not a meditation room. He may have a new love partner meeting him at that address -- of either sex. Or, could he be sex addicted and seeing many partners? Get the job done right. Find out the whole story from a P.I. before talking to him, so he can't try to lie his way out of this mess. Don't worry that it will make anything worse. What's happening has been coming to a conclusion without you anyway. Before you confront him, see a domestic lawyer and an accountant. Then say to him: "I notice you've taken many of your clothes out and you now have a new place at such-and-such an address, and you've been seeing this person and that person. It seems you have left me emotionally, though you're still here sexually. This is not what I signed up for -- to be one of your sex partners. This is breaking my heart. I need you to come clean with me." That should break his silence. If he stalks out, he would have at one point soon, anyway. He's already half moved. You deserve much better than this!
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org