Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I came upon my roomies making love when they didn't know I had come home. I didn't know they were a couple! Maybe they're not. I was supposed to be at work so they had left the door open and could not see me watching. I tried to walk away, but couldn't, and continued to peek around the door with one eye. All this week the sight has been haunting me. I haven't had a boyfriend for about 19 months now, but who's counting? (Me, I guess). I'm so turned on by this I'd really like to ask them if I could join them, even just once. My best friend suggests I try to catch them again and just appear in the doorway naked and see if they invite me in, rather than making a big production of it. What do you think? -- Willing Third Wheel, Wolseley
Dear Willing: The naked ambush is a bad idea. You need to talk to the female roomie first, or your home situation could blow up and you'll really be out in the cold. Basically you need to find out if it's anything serious for her -- or if it's just a lark. Even if it's a lark, she may not want a third person in the mix. If it's casual, the guy is likely to say yes if you ask him first -- as it's a big fantasy for a lot of guys. So be careful. It could cause a lot of trouble in the dynamics of your roommate situation and you need a place to live, for now. Your two friends may already be a couple and be sneaking around behind your back and you need to ask if that's the case. If there are emotions involved, you may want to line up alternate lodging quickly, as living the daily lifestyle of the third wheel with a hot new couple could be very frustrating.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My ex-boyfriend's private nickname was Longfellow which referred to his studies in English Lit and also to his build. I called him that and two of my very close friends knew about it too. I have a new boyfriend now who is not so generously built and I like his build just fine. But, at a party last weekend one of the friends was really drunk and she said, "Oh, by the way, have you run into Longfellow lately? Hahaha." My boyfriend said, "Who's that?" I tried to shush her, but she said, "That's her old boyfriend," snicker snicker, she made a hand gesture. My new guy didn't say anything much, but he wanted to leave the party very quickly after that. He's acutely aware he doesn't have a long fellow and has mentioned it before. I don't know what to do to comfort him and make him feel secure. He's a much better lover them my ex who thought every woman should fall at his feet because of what he had. His techniques were poor. I rarely orgasmed, where with this new man, I always get to heaven. -- Awkward Situation, Fort Garry
Dear Awkward: Tell him exactly what you told me. He already has part of the details and the part that, if left alone to simmer, will make him feel worse and worse. Tell him that you were always left hanging with your ex and that he (your new man) is a much better lover and tell him why. Tell him clearly that he always satisfies you in the most wonderful ways. Be truthful, but lay it on thick. He needs that reassurance.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a man of 54 with a problem that makes me very sad. I have a daughter I have never seen because her mother was kissing up to her husband. She and I had an affair and this daughter was the result. She looks just like me. I know where she lives and who she married and about her children and have seen her picture online, but I have never met her, hugged her, talked to her or anything. She thinks her father is the man she called Dad, and who I found out was not very nice to her as she was the love child, not his child. She is in her 30s. Should I override her mother's wishes and identify myself to her now? I have been a very good father to my other children. I would like chance to show my respect and feeling for her and be in her life. -- Missing One Child, Winnipeg
Dear Missing: If I were that woman I would want to know my real father, particularly if the bond with my other "dad" was weak. She is old enough to learn about all important things in her life history. The truth of her paternity would be a good place to start. Her mother's wishes are self-serving. So, pursue this on your own, starting with a letter and photographs of yourself and family, rather than a phone call which can be greeted with shock and denial -- and negativity. Let her have time to get used to the idea before you meet her. Give her your phone number and address and tell her about your life. Tell her why she never knew about you before, and that you're sorry to have missed so much of her life. Her mother may try to call you a fake, but the pictures will tell the story, so send more than one, and some of you as a younger person too, all by registered mail. If you don't hear from her follow it up in two weeks, the way you see fit.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org