Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I both used to love Halloween, but last year I jumped out of the bedroom closet, totally naked with a big, scary, rubber ghoul mask. I jumped on the bed to have sex with her and scared her witless. She went running into the bathroom and locked the door and screamed and screamed. Then she cried. This year she doesn't want anything Halloween-ish between us, only giving out candy at the door. I'm really disappointed. I apologized and apologized last year. This fall I bought a costume so I can accompany the kids on their rounds. All she said to me was, "Do anything later tonight, even approaching what you did last year, and you're cut off for good." Other years we used to have a memorable Halloweeen time in the bedroom as different characters. I even made love to her with a green witches face and paste-on warts once. Why can't she lighten up? It was just a little mistake. -- Fatal Halloween Casualty, Winnipeg
Dear Casualty: You rattled her to the core last year, but not in a nice way. The good news? This is the kind of practical joke that can be talked through and fixed with some rules and a promise. Assure her that every year you will tell her ahead of time what you're wearing, or not wearing, costume-wise, And promise her you'll never again pull a fright trick on her. You can still have a great time dressing up and getting a Halloween scene going and making love in costume like kooky fun-lovin' couples do all over Winnipeg, but promise her seriously your days of jumping out of the closet like a naked ghoul are over. She is not the one you should terrify, unless you're both into it -- and clearly she is not.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate the weekends because that's when my demanding wife expects a Saturday morning of sex and visiting and going out for breakfast. (Our kids are teenagers and sleep in until 1 p.m.) Frankly, I'd rather be anywhere else -- like golfing or having a tennis match with my lover. OK, he's male. Sex in a nice hotel would be preferable to sports, but I am too well-known. I would never leave my wife and kids but he's the one who has a stranglehold on my heart. After Saturday mornings of "work" (hanging out in bed with Her Majesty) I often slip away to meet him somewhere for lunch. He's also married. We have nowhere to go, and have too much class to do anything outside, so we often just sit in a park by the river and talk. Our relationship is quite cerebral and we love to talk with each other as well as make love once in a long while. We go away together twice a year for the openings and closings of our cabins, which are near to each other (That's how we met.) I know it is noble to stay with the family but I am worn out from not being able to be with him. Even if he won't/can't leave his wife, I might leave after the youngest is off to college out of the province. Living a lie is horrible, painful and it feels like a waste of my life. -- So Frustrated, Winnipeg
Dear Frustrated: Leaving at this point would be harmful to your kids, and being alone while your lover is still with his family would be even more lonely and frustrating. The best time to leave, if there ever is a "best" time for kids, is when they have graduated school; some teens are so messed up by family breakup their marks plummet and some drop out. Life is tough when you discover your sexuality has moved along the continuum later in life, and you have a family growing up. You need to know where your lover stands on this issue. He may be the type who only needs the distraction of a male lover, but wishes to remain married with wife and kids, and all those societal perks. Having said that, "to thine own self be true" is ringing in my ears. You may find you can't stand it and have to break free sooner than you thought. And then there's your wife's life to consider, and what's fair (and safest) for her! For starters, see a counsellor on your own to talk at length.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email email@example.com