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Paying for it not an option

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm in my early 50s, but have the good fortune of looking much younger. My wife of 29 years, is also younger-looking, beautiful and sexy. We have a wonderful family and are financially quite well off. So what's the problem? The bedroom! Although my wife tries to be accommodating, her interest level is low, and the sex is bad, getting progressively worse -- and now intercourse is painful for her. Unfortunately, my sex drive has not diminished, and I feel I need an outlet. I'd never consider an affair, as I'm too much in love with my wife. However, being well off, I could buy sex and be perfectly happy. I've suggesting ways to improve our sex life, but my wife is unwilling to expand the bedroom possibilities. I've overheard her and her friends commenting they wish their husbands would just "handle" it themselves. In my case, I take that as permission to purchase. What do you think? Am I a bad person for thinking this? -- Frustrated Male

 

Dear Frustrated Male: "Permission to purchase?" What language are you speaking? You've taken a common kibbitzing remark women make with each other, and turned that around to give yourself permission to see prostitutes! Look, buying sex from a sex business is not showing love; it's exposing your loved one to a call girl (or two, or more) and every guy that working woman has ever slept with in her sexual history, with accompanying sexually transmitted diseases. Plus, it's cheating on her emotionally. If you love this woman as you claim, fix the problem with her. How would you like to have sex if your penis hurt every time you tried? Why is she experiencing pain? At menopausal age (her 50s) she could be having dryness problems and a product like Replens, which is a vaginal moisturizer (not a temporary 30-minute lubricant; it lasts for days), could make sex pleasurable again for her. A doctor should check her hormone levels and give her a pelvic exam. She may be low in testosterone, which partially governs sex drive, or she might have something more serious going on with her female organs -- like cancer. Or, she may be angry at you for a number of things -- and long talks with or without as counsellor could work out the issues that keep her sex drive down. Since you love this woman, tell her you've reached a crisis time for you, that you feel rejected, alone and frustrated -- and you need to work on this problem together, now. She may not know how upset you are if you haven't been wanting to bother her or pressure her. It's understandable you want to have a good sex life with the woman you love. Marriage isn't only about having a family. Presumably you had a great sex in the beginning. So what has happened to change things? Find out, in the name of love.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm kind of embarrassed to write to you about this, but it seems like I have no other option. You see, this past weekend my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend (who she hasn't met yet) having sex. Needless to say, it's been really awkward around the house lately. Worst of all, he's supposed to come over next weekend to meet and have dinner with the rest of the family. My mother is a very conservative and religious person and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. I'm scared this dinner will go terribly wrong. What can I do to ease the situation? -- Concerned, Winnipeg South

 

Dear Concerned: Mom's being a real sport cooking this dinner for your boyfriend, so you and Romeo are going to be "on stage" at dinner, redoing Act I. Tell your boyfriend to omit any apologies to Mom at the door, even "Sorry about the other day!" as it just brings up the unsettling visuals for her again. When he comes to the door, make a brand new beginning with a formal introduction, so Mom can play along too. Just before he arrives, say to her privately, "Thanks for looking past the incident the other day. I really appreciate your having my new boyfriend for dinner and making the effort to get to know him." When he drives up, put happy music on slightly louder than usual, to cut the tension and fill in the awkward moments. Don't disappear with him when he gets there, but ask him to help you set the table, pull up chairs, make himself useful, thereby getting your mom used to him with his clothes on. Keep the music going through dinner, and keep up the conversation, so everybody isn't sitting there clinking cutlery. Then introduce a board game right after dinner to show what a fun and likable person this boyfriend is. By the way, what were you thinking, doing the wild thang in your folks' house without a lock or the bureau drawer up against the door? Since your mom is "conservative and religious," it's really time to move out with pals, instead of putting her in an awkward situation in her own house.

 

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

 

 

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 15, 2010 A44

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