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Seek counselling before you break your husband's heart

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm in lust with a bad boy and newly married to a good guy. I know I made the right choice in a husband, but I made it too early. My husband is everything I ever wanted, and I feel so bad because I don't deserve him. The bad boy works with me and we have been flirting heavily, though no actual sexual contact. We have had cybersex once when my husband wasn't home, but that doesn't really count. This bad boy is very macho and hot, and popular with women at work. Even the older ones make comments about him. We have noticed he doesn't seem to care if you're married or not. He has had something with one or two of them I know of, but I don't know for how long. Suddenly, I just feel so tied down and I feel way too young to be married. Why didn't I think of this before I had the wedding, you are probably asking? Well, I was in my late 20s and I was the last of my girlfriends to get married and I felt like it was time and he was the best guy. The wedding experience was wonderful. It's just the homemaking thing that turns me off, and seeing him every single day and never being able to look at another guy. I am so mad at myself for getting tied down. What should I do? -- Too Young to be Trapped, Winnipeg


Dear Trapped: This equal opportunity boytoy at work probably finds you quite a challenge. If he has sex with you, he's proven to himself he can steal a young woman from her new husband. That's real power, to a certain kind of player. However once he's had you, your marital situation is a liability. He won't want to hazard enough time with you to have an angry husband coming after him -- a needless risk when there are so many eager women around. The trouble for you, if you succumb to his charms, is your hormones. Women usually feel more involved after a first tryst than they were before so you may be looking at him with goo-goo eyes while he's crossing your name off his list. He's not worth the trouble -- and consider this: If he's seen a lot of women, he may have a sexually-transmitted infection by now. As for the marriage you made too soon, get some counselling alone at first. Your husband hasn't done anything wrong. Try to figure out where you're at with the counsellor and then start talking to him about how you're feeling. One thing is clear: You owe it to your sweet husband to say good-bye before you have sex with another man.


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: OK, I was out on the street when the snow was melting and this neighbour who just moved in, came over to chat. We found out we had a lot in common and she invited my wife and I over for dinner that night to meet her husband. The guy has a common name and he's away a lot travelling for work and the garage is in the back, so we hadn't seen him yet. We took two bottles of wine and went over. It turns out I HATE this guy's guts from way back, and there we were -- supper guests at his table. He shook my hand and my skin crawled. I can't tell my wife about it because it had something to do with drugs, and she doesn't know about that part of my youth. She just "loves" the wife and wants us to spend more time together. Now, what do I do? I don't want to squash a new friendship for her, but I want nothing to do with this creep. In fact, I hate him so bad I'd like to move, or better yet, he should move. -- Potential Trouble, Winnipeg Suburb


Dear Trouble: There's no way around it. You're going to have to tell your wife what the problem is. How else is she going to understand you don't want to do anything with this new couple? You'll have to tell her you're totally uncomfortable with his knowing anything about you, like the information that would naturally come out from her knowing you. The truth is the only thing that will make sense, since you feel you need to discourage your wife's friendship. Now is the time to tell her, before she gets closer with this woman.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 7, 2011 D2

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