Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm so bored in bed with my husband I could scream, or maybe even cheat. I'm a woman who wants something I don't think my conservative husband can or will give me. I don't know how else to put this, but I want kinky sex. He is a very nice man and I would be quite happy to let him dominate or he could be my love slave or we could dress up, or SOMETHING. We have been married 12 years and we do the same old thing each and every Saturday night. Yes, I can achieve orgasm every time, but not out of shock or surprise, which is what I imagine kinky people do. I just do it from habit. When I told him "our" sex life was boring, he said the whole goal is for me to orgasm and he can give me that no problem, so what am I complaining about? How do I tell him without totally crushing the man's ego? He is a longtime hockey player and thinks in terms of scoring goals. -- Rolling My Eyes, Winnipeg
Dear Rolling: Bravely go where no woman has gone with him before (that you know of). Explanations are over-rated in bed, while leading-by-example is too rarely tried. Dress in the exotic way you wish and have appropriate garb for him nearby and see if he'll let you help him into it, without actually asking permission verbally. As for submissive power play you could wear a simple snake-like arm bracelet and a harem outfit saying, "Tonight, your wish is my command." You might also try things the other way around and say firmly, "Tonight I am in command and you will do whatever I say." Don't use any "toys" that might scare him. Just introduce him to the two mindsets minimally, and you'll soon see which he likes best.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When my girlfriend's last boyfriend got the boot, he told her he was "tired of having sex with a big white refrigerator," and she took that to mean her size. You recommended candlelight to another couple and I told her that, but she won't go for it until she "loses 60 pounds." I think she just wasn't turned on by him like she is by me. She is NOT cold. She feels amazing and I'm sure she would look amazing to me, but she covers up. We make love under the hot covers with our feet sticking out. I love this woman to death but I am sick and tired of this cover-up style. Believe me it is so dark in her bedroom I might as well be making love with someone else. I love every ounce of her. How can I make her see that? -- Frustrated Lover, Fort Rouge
Dear Frustrated: This is where explanation CAN do a lot of good. Explain to her how much you love her and how much she turns you on. Tell her you have a pretty good idea of how she looks from seeing her dressed and from the feel of her in bed. Tell her she looks amazing. Compliment everything about her. Let her know she can do no wrong in your eyes and will never look unattractive to you. Tell her ex probably used that insult because she'd just broken up with him and he was angry and looking to shoot her in the self-confidence. Tell her you're the man to heal that for her, with your great love, respect and desire for her. Lay it on thick, while telling the truth as you perceive it.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In the letter from "Confused," she wrote about her millionaire mother and her mom's new "penniless" boyfriend. She seems to have ignored the fact that her mother appears to be very happy. I would say, as a caring child, this would be No. 1 on my list for my parent. It has always irked me when children feel they have a "right" to their parent's money. Not! It is theirs, they worked for it and they can do whatever they wish with it. If they are elderly, children should, of course, ensure that someone is not trying to defraud them of their money. Other than that, they can will it to charities if they wish. Many times I wished they would, versus dealing with greedy kids who feel they are entitled. -- A Big Fan, Winnipeg
Dear Fan: People who have so much wealth that it shows can't downplay the existence of inheritance money very easily. But they can educate their offspring at an early age that everyone has the right to do whatever they wish with their extra money before they die, and that is the family belief, so they had better start saving.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org