Miss Lonelyhearts

Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Sounds like you're not right woman for alcoholic

By: Maureen Scurfield / Miss Lonelyhearts

Posted: 12/3/2009 1:00 AM | Comments: 0

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Well, get this. I went downtown Christmas shopping and ran into a boyfriend I stopped seeing six years ago because of his massive drinking problem. He says he's been to Alcoholics Anonymous and sober for 5.5 years now. He thanked me for being his inspiration to quit. Then he asked me out for dinner, spontaneously, and I went, and we had a wonderful time. The problem is he wants to see me again. At the dinner, the waiter asked us if I wanted wine and I felt I just couldn't, and so I didn't but it became an issue for me. I feel like such a jerk BUT I have to ask you this: Would drinking always be the issue that comes between us, even when he's sober? Does he really need a non-drinker as a girlfriend? If I got back with him, would I always feel inhibited in having a drink or two? I didn't lose the privilege, but he did! OK, he just called and he wants to see me again this week. I feel devastated by the memory of his good looks and wit and overcome with lust for him. Maybe I could get by the booze issue, at least for a while. What do you think? -- Aching but Hesitating, Norwood

Dear Aching: You're already in the starting position for a sexual experience, and the gun's ready to go off. But here's the thing to consider: you seem to care a lot about the drinking. I hear resentment in your comment about "losing the privilege." If you really like your drinks, and it sounds like you do, you're not the best possible partner for this man, though it's not impossible. People who live with recovering alcoholics can have a cocktail or a glass of wine, if the partner who's quit drinking is solid in his sobriety, and OK with that. But, you're bound to think: "What if it tempts him to start drinking again?" In my opinion the best mate for this guy is a woman who's indifferent to booze -- she can take it or leave it anytime. A partner who's busy having a nip or two frequently will stock a home bar. It might be tempting on a bad day to an ex-drinker watching a mate enjoy regular drinks and having it around in the house.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A friend mentioned that she read one of your columns last week asking for gay dads to contact you to help out a letter writer (a married dad was worried about the effects of coming out and leaving his wife). I belong to a group called the Gay Fathers of Winnipeg, which has been in existence for about 20 years. We have a website (www.gayfathersofwinnipeg.com) where your letter writer can contact us anonymously by email. We are open to emailing, talking on the telephone or inviting him to meet with a member or our entire group. Our goal is to help out other gay dads the best we can by offering support and to let him know that he is not alone. Please pass along the information. Thanks! -- Anonymous, Winnipeg

Dear Anonymous: Thanks for caring and sending in this resource. Consider the message passed on to this man, and other gay fathers who feel alone in coping with a unique set of problems.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition December 3, 2009 d4

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