DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Well, I ran over a long board with big nails sticking up every two inches in it Halloween night, lying right across our back lane at night, and I know who did it. He forgot he threatened to do that at the summer block barbecue to anyone who sped down our back lane -- where he lets his kids play, for God's sake. I have a heavy foot and come home at 2:30 in the morning from the bar most nights and go down that lane fast. He goes to work at 5:45 a.m. so I put the same thing out for him last night -- and got him back real good. I know, because I stayed up listening with my window open. So far he hasn't said anything and it's been a week but my wife says he will get me back worse now. What should I do? -- Sitting Duck? Winnipeg
Dear Duck: You're behaving like a couple of hillbillies. Here are your options: 1) you could knock on his door and try to declare a truce in person, but then he has your confession and he might have you charged for what you did to his car. You don't have the proof of his doing it to you first; 2) you could put an anonymous note in his mailbox when he's at work that says. "Now we're even. Let's declare it a truce;" or 3) you might just leave it alone knowing each of you is as vengeful as the other -- the respect of evenly matched enemies. At least, drive the other way down the back lane from now on.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just have these molten lava feelings for my neighbour two doors down. He's single, but I am not. I find every opportunity to go over there to talk to him -- yard work, neighbourhood theft concerns, my kids raking his lawn. I am ashamed of this: I actually dressed up as a sexy witch and went over there for Halloween at 9:30 p.m with a pitcher full of neighbourly orange blender drinks with black licorice sticks and yelled out: "Trick or treat!" When I was there and we'd had a few, he asked me, "So what do you want?" I was taken aback. "Nothing," I said to which he replied, "Oh, come on. Either you want to have a little one-time fling with me or you want to have an affair. Which is it?" I just sat there with my mouth opening and closing like a guppy and finally said "I don't know." He said, "So, go home and figure out and then come back when you know." What should l do? I want him so bad. I don't know if I want him forever, but my husband is never home and I can tell you we haven't had sex in two years -- his fault. I think he's having an affair but he provides a big income for me and the kids. They are in private schools. I don't want to pull them out because my body is in an uproar over some guy. What should I do? I almost went back there yesterday for the one-time fling. I think that's what he's really offering, because his eyes were twinkling when he said it. Please help me. -- Burning Up, River Heights
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Let's fast forward. Say you go there, and he's a lousy lover and you don't really like him and it was all a mistake. Could you go home and be happy with your husband then? No, because you're still not having a real love-and-sex life at home. Or consider this scenario: What if you have a wonderful time, really like the neighbour, and start having an affair? You will inevitably get caught just a few doors down, your husband will dump you and the house will get sold in the divorce agreement (it's too near your lover). Your husband might also call you a bad mother and try to take the kids -- a slight possibility, but still there. The kids definitely will not co-operate. They will be highly embarrassed in the neighbourhood and will disrespect you for what you did. How about you tell your husband your marriage is in trouble and you both need counselling help. Ask him for the truth of his situation no matter what it is. Then try to work it out, for the sake of the kids. Do that before you try hopping into bed with the neighbour. If you and your husband split, and time passes, you could maybe start seeing the other man, if he wants it, too. He may not want it then or now. In the meantime, try to get your raging body under control with sex toys that can calm you down enough you can think straight.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6, or email firstname.lastname@example.org