DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband went out and got a tattoo which I just hate. It's of a sexy naked woman and it's not me. He says it's not anybody else he knows, either. Call me suspicious but I think he knows her from before. She looks vaguely familiar, like somebody from the bar he worked at in the evenings -- not the present one -- but the one before. How do I find out if he's messing around with her? I lie awake all night, looking at that tattoo on his back. By the way, we've been married two years, and have no children yet. -- Jealous Over Tat
Dear Jealous: It seems unlikely a guy would be so bold, or think his wife so stupid, he'd get a tattoo of another woman he's seeing inked on his body. It's more likely he picked a type of woman whose look he likes, and he's disrespectful enough to have it tattooed on his back where you can stare at it in bed. Frankly, it sounds like this guy is not in love with you anymore and is trying to get YOU to break up with him. When it gets to that point, do you really need to go out and get proof? It's better not to stay and have kids with a guy who doesn't love and respect you enough to keep another woman off his body. But since you can't sleep, you need to find out what's up. Stop in at his old workplace with a best friend and see if the lady you suspect still works there. If, as you suspect, one of the staff looks exactly like the tattoo, you might have your husband followed by a private investigator to see if he's cheating with her, and then actually listen to what the detective has to say. Lots of people won't accept the evidence they're given and totally waste their money. Best of luck.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm deeply in love with my new Grade 12 teacher. I'm not the only one, but I have to say he is a hottie and so nice and I think he likes me better than the rest. I dress up every day for school when I have his class and have joined the extra-curricular activity he takes care of. How do I get to him? I don't care if I have to drop out of his class to be with him. He's everything I ever wanted and he's quite young. Please help me. I'm drowning in lust for him. God, I don't know how he doesn't see it in my eyes! Yesterday, I stuttered when he asked me a question in class. I haven't done that since Grade 4. I'm not a shy girl, either. Help! -- In Love With a Teacher, Winnipeg
Dear In Love: You haven't a prayer while you're still in school, so relax and don't drop out of anything. You could ruin his career as a teacher if he succumbed to your advances, so leave the poor man alone. This year you can only watch him, learn from him, date nice guys he'd respect and show him what a great person you are. Plus, you can impress him with your work in his class and your ability to act maturely while other girls throw themselves at him. In a couple of years, you might come back to coach a team and go over and say hello, looking totally grown up. Then you might have a chance -- a tiny chance. It still doesn't look good to take up with a student, even several years after, because bosses might think it's a hidden relationship that's just come to light. Teachers can't mess with students; it's against their professional code, and his own profession can take away his ability to teach.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org