Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/8/2011 (1719 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Sex has turned weird and unusual. My wife has gone from wanting sex once a week maybe, to wanting it every day, and she wants the weird stuff. I can't trace it to any change, except she's out a lot now with a new group of friends she found through baseball. Why is she going after me like this? I've been through things in the last month that would make any normal guy embarrassed. Without being gross in your newspaper, I have been tied up, spanked and forced to wear panties all in one month. It's not like she has any alternative sex book sitting around, but it seems every time she comes home after baseball I'm in for it. I only met her baseball friends once and they seemed like a nice, normal group. I love this woman with all my heart and I finally asked her, "What's up with you and sex?" and she said, "You're up with me, and don't you forget it!" She's like a little she-devil now. It kind of turns me on, but it scares me. What is happening to my nice, normal life? -- Born in the Bible Belt, now in E.K.
Dear Born: Before you submit to one more episode of this, insist on a heart-to-heart and the information you're seeking. "Where is this coming from and how far do you want to go?" Then you put your two cents worth in, which are exactly equal to her two. Your wife is sitting on the answers to all these questions. She knows exactly how this change came about and it's only fair for her to tell. How would she like it if you came home with restraints and demands on HER, with no explanations? Power play is only fun for a couple if you both agree to it -- to the boundaries of it and a safe word so all action stops if one of you doesn't like it. That may come as a surprise to her. Too bad... Look, she could be learning this stuff online, instruction from a new baseball pal, experience with a guy or a woman, or even books she hides at work. You deserve to know what's going on in your sex life.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I used to send my wife flowers all the time at her work. Then it just kind of petered out, as these things do. The other day, she brought home some flowers from work she said a customer had given to her as a thank you. They were too romantic-looking to be believable to me -- 11 white roses and a red one in the middle. I asked her who really sent them and she blushed to the tops of her ears. Where do I go from here? Frankly, I don't want to know if some guy is chasing her. I just want to get her back before anything serious happens. I don't think she'd have the nerve to bring home roses if she were already having an affair with someone. -- Feeling a little Panic, Brandon
Dear Panic: Once you set the habit of giving your women flowers, it's sadly noticed when it falls off (listen to You Don't Bring Me Flowers by Barbra Streisand). Look, you have the definite home-field advantage. Whether she bought the roses for herself to put a scare into you or an actual guy is chasing her with the colour-symbolism flower routine (red for passion, white for peace or friendship) you should phone up your florist or hit the grocery store floral department and pull up your own slack. Send red roses for passionate love and an extra loving, sexy message to go with it and have them delivered at her work in case some office Lothario has tuned into an empty place he can fill. (Some guys really get off on besting husbands). So, shower your lady with affection, sex, fun and romance and pull her back in close to you, if you still can.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org