DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm hungry all the time because I'm on a diet and my wife is policing. I call her The Warden. Luckily, she can't come with me in the car and see me pulling into Subway every day where I eat a half sandwich just to stop the deep hunger pangs that would keep me from working. She doesn't understand why I, a big fat man, don't lose more than two pounds a week. I know why, but I'm not telling her. How do I get her to shut up about my diet? -- Hefty Guy, St. James
Dear Hefty: Losing eight pounds a month, at a rate of two pounds per week, is a healthy way to lose your excess weight. Here's a little script to say to The Warden: "I Iove you as always, but I like you a lot better when you mind your own business about my weight-loss effort. When I stop losing eight pounds a month, you can open your mouth again to criticize, but for now, you have nothing to rail at me for, and I'd appreciate it if you'd return to your lovable old self. I'm taking care of business, and don't find your nagging an inspiration. In fact, it sets up a feeling of rebellion for me. So praise me all you like for what I'm accomplishing, and it will start being fun around here again."
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Why is there such big deal made out of movie stars being pregnant and beautiful? My wife is feeling like a normal pregnant woman -- not very glamorous and one gulp away from throwing up most of the time. She reads these magazines where people talk about pregnant stars and their cute little "baby bump" and how they lose all their post-pregnancy weight in six weeks with their personal trainer, Please! Pregnancy is not a walk in the park. My woman, whom I love with all by heart, has been sick for three months and she is already in pregnancy clothing because it's our second precious child. Why should she be made to feel like a lump because she's a normal pregnant woman carrying our child for the two of us? -- Disgusted, Wolseley
Dear Disgusted: Look further afield for some art showing women who are voluptuous and possibly pregnant as well and have it around the house for viewing as an antidote to the airbrushed magazine shots. You can easily find art online that's more natural and normal and beautiful in it own way. Encourage your wife to look at other magazines for the next six months instead of the nonsense Hollywood stuff that makes her feel bad, and keep on telling her how grateful you are to her for being your darling wife and having this lovely baby.
Dear Disgusted: My husband inherited this crappy little family cottage on the lake around which we have to pitch tents if anybody is to have any privacy. I also have a cottage which is beautiful, though not right on the beach. My kids and my husband prefer the crappy cottage for swimming, so my modern comfortable cottage is empty most of summer. Last weekend I went to the little cottage once again, and it was so hot and humid and awful, I got up in the middle of the second sleepless night and said, "That's it. I'm going to my cottage for the rest of the night and I took my car and drove the 15 kilometres. I thought my family would follow me the next morning but they didn't. Finally my husband called on his cell and said, "When are you coming back? It's time to cook dinner." I said, "I'm not coming! This is my cottage. I love it here and I'm staying here," loud and clear and it was so unlike little old mousy me. Sunday night I come back to the little cottage to drive home and my husband was barely speaking. It's been like this all week, Please help. -- The Mouse That Roared, North Kildonan
Dear Mouse: There's an easy compromise available here, if you're both willing to alternate cottages. But, if you are not willing to spend weekends at each other's cottages you have a big storm cloud blowing in. You could fix this by selling your cabin and using the money to build a new cabin on the beach property, which everyone loves. Maybe you could be the contractor, since it's your cottage money and enjoy designing a cottage that houses the lot of you. The little cottage could stay as the guest cottage, perhaps moved slightly so your husband's inheritance is not mowed down.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6 or email email@example.com