DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I adore swimming in the nude. Ever since I spent a weekend at a nudist resort I can no longer see the point of wearing a soggy, cold, bathing suit in the water. This summer I have vowed I will not swim with a suit ever again. Last summer I tried the old trick of walking out at Grand Beach (dunes side) taking off the suit and swimming with it tied around one arm. It slipped off, and I was bare-naked in the water. I had to yell to my boyfriend to come to the water's edge with the biggest towel we had. Some little brats noticed and ran to tell their mothers and I was scared we'd get kicked off the beach. How can I better handle nude swimming in this prudish province over the summer? -- New at Nudism, St. Boniface
Dear New: Paint-on bathing suits that don't come off in water aren't available, to my knowledge, but your boyfriend surely wouldn't mind coming swimming and holding your suit while you play mermaid. It would be exciting employment for the summer. Remember the skimpier the bikini, the less for him to carry. You can also go swimming au natural at nudist sun resorts. Manitoba's new nudies organization Naturist Legacy (after Crocus Grove owners changed their resort to a clothing-only campground) probably won't have a pool ready this summer, but check with contacts at http://naturistlegacy.org/ about the progress being made and any country club arrangements they might have made for city swimming days. If you have a house, an above-ground pool and a big fence would work for you, although I remember a reader writing to say she got a visit from two amused young police officer when a "shocked" neighbor jammed herself up against the fence, and found a crack to peek through, and phoned in to let the cops know there was "indecent exposure" going on next door.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm in deep trouble because I'm 19 and gave my boyfriend $2,000 on his 21rst birthday to buy a safer car and now we have broken up. I don't have any papers signed, but I want my car back. I told him it was a birthday present at the time and he's holding me to it. I thought we would be together forever and it would kind of be my car too, since I don't drive, and we could go to the beach and make out in the back seat in the summer time and all that romantic stuff. I got my money from working hard at a fast-food place and we have only been together for eight months. What can I do to get my money back?. -- Out $2,000 now, Winnipeg
Dear Out $2000: It was a birthday gift as long as he was nice to you and remained your boyfriend. Now you're saying the gift suddenly becomes a loan because you've broken up! Forget it. Unless you can be charming enough to weasel part of the cash out of him, you're out two grand. You admit you bought him a car to drive YOU around town. You should have bought the car in your name and let him drive it -- and not called it a gift at all. You're an adult now, but a naive one. It would be smart to have a talk with a lawyer, so you understand these situations totally.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: OK, my wife is an idiot. She thinks I don't know she's flirting with the guy across the street and four doors over, and I can see her trotting down there "to talk about gardening" when she thinks I'm watching sports for the night. She goes into his house, too, and I can smell the wine on her breath when she comes home. I don't really care because I have had a girlfriend for years. I'm just not rude enough to rub it in my wife's face. We are in our 50s and our kids are away at university now. What should I do about this? I can't let her disrespect me like this. -- Nobody's Fool, Ft. Rouge
Dear Fool: So, you two are finally even. You think you're better at being discreet and hiding an affair than she is, but she may be punishing you for all the years she knew you were cheating. Maybe she didn't want to break up the family, but now the kids are gone. Let your wife alone -- no drama necessary in this situation. See your own girlfriend more and look past your wife's flirtation, or make an arrangement to split up now that your kids are gone. Your nose is out of joint, but you don't mention your heart is broken, so get over yourself. Life is short and this marriage may be dead on both sides. Either agree to stay together as friends and look the other way, or break it up, and get serious with your other partners. Counselling would be pointless, as we both know you'll always have that girlfriend around. It's a long-standing habit you've been able to get away with for years.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts co/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org