DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm so alone, so empty. Every aspect of my life is unsatisfying. I've done nothing with this life I was given, and am just a waste of air. This feels like it's going to be more of a suicide note than a plea for help. I have no friends, and while my family has taken me back into their home after I left my abusive fiancé, they don't want me there and I'm so depressed living there. I have a diploma, but no one's hiring in my area. I do have a job, but I'm very unhappy ---- I tried pills; they didn't help, only made me feel strange and overly-anxious. I need a new life, not a new prescription. I should've seen the world by now, be married, maybe with children on the way. I should have hope, love and understanding, and feel like a person who's contributing to society. My heart hurts and sometimes I really think it would be easier to watch the blood pour out from my wrists than it would be to continue living this pointless, loveless existence. Maybe if I did end my own life, I could actually feel like I've finally accomplished something with my life. -- Empty, Worthless Girl, Winnipeg
Dear Girl: Many people who have tried to commit suicide and failed, look back with gratitude and feel blessed that they didn't succeed, as that bad time was just a blip in their lives. Let me be plain. You need to know the Universe/Great Intelligence doesn't create crap. You're unique and gifted, and things do get better especially as you head towards the maturity of 30. You're a special creation and don't have to do anything to prove that. In fact, you can work at any old job and your specialness doesn't change. Please start being patient with yourself. Some people don't get established until later, or change paths many times.
Now let's talk about the depression that's overwhelming you: Depression is not your fault, so stop being angry and disappointed with yourself. These are the things you can do to help yourself now:
1) If you're feeling suicidal, your must go to a hospital emergency room and camp there. Do not soft-pedal your situation. Tell the triage nurse clearly that you are suicidal. A psychiatrist will see you, and you will get the help you need. I know you've had a hard time with pills, but now it'd be wise to let the doctor try different types until you find what suits your type of chemical imbalance. Different medications work differently on different people.
2) You might also call 1-877-435-7170, the designated suicide prevention line at Klinic, and talk to one of the counsellors who tend those lines 24/7. If you are not feeling suicidal, but feeling critically down, then 786-8686 is the appropriate crisis line.
3) When you're not in full-blown crisis mode, walk-in counselling is totally free at Klinic. Call 784-4067. They even work into the evenings. You haven't been out of your abusive relationship very long and you're in desperate need of counselling, as any person would be. Individual help and a support group would show you that you're far from alone.
4) There are kind people at the Mood Disorders Association of Manitoba at 4 Fort St., first floor, near Assiniboine Avenue, who understand what you're going through from personal experience, and will offer support groups, resources and friendship, too. Call them 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. weekdays, at 786-0987.
Please get your depression treated now. Two-thirds of your life is ahead of you and it will be much better. Letters from any readers who offer help and advice, will be published in an upcoming column. You'll find people like me, and lots of other people who don't know you, really do care about the way you feel and you're not alone.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org