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Trust your instincts; boyfriend's not a keeper Miss Lonelyhearts

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is driving me insane! My boyfriend announced (after a night out in his favourite bar) that his "buddy" ran into a female friend who "makes it difficult for him to say no to," despite this buddy having a live-in girlfriend. I said it sounded more like HE was telling me this because it was HIM that was tempted. Since we're only six months together, I feel torn about trusting my BF. He feels this behaviour is OK because in the end they go home to their respective GFs! From personal experience, this is how affairs start -- if you play with fire, you eventually get burned. If the friends he's hanging with think this is OK, how do I shrug it off? Do I move on because our values are so different and I don't want to waste time? Or is this just projecting a puritan, outdated attitude -- wanting a monogamous relationship without the threat of my BF running off with the local bar ho? -- Overreacting or Time to Move On?

Dear Overreacting: The bells are going off and you'd be under-reacting if you didn't hear them. You want a husband you can completely trust out of your sight -- nothing puritanical or outdated about that. Even if your guy wasn't talking about himself wanting to cheat, he was testing you out -- hinting. Yucky, distrustful feelings would naturally arise from that... Distrust starts as a niggling feeling in your stomach, a refusal of your brain to swallow a story that sounds a little off. Then it progresses to a constant knot in the stomach and a lot of time wasted wondering what your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to -- and why he or she feels the need to go out and act single. If you ignore the knot in your stomach and tell yourself YOU are wrong for feeling it, you'll end up feeling depressed. You sound like an intelligent human being. You need a guy who loves you madly and doesn't care about the bar. Move on, because you know you're wasting time!


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In response to "gay, but masculine," I believe that the question he asks about gay men exhibiting a lisp is both hereditary and part of the gay culture. I have worked with children, who at a young age have the mannerisms he has spoken of and in some instances is part of their genetic makeup. However, speaking as a masculine, gay male myself, I have also seen guys I have known for years fall into the "gay" culture and somehow develop these mannerisms and the lisp when it wasn't present before. In this case, I would argue that it is an attention-seeking behaviour. I have found that a lot of gay men only act this way as a persona and sometimes, just for the shock value of it all. -- Gay Jock, West End

Dear Gay Jock: Thanks for your input. This is a puzzle for straight folks and the large percentage of gays who are not flamboyant. Some gay men have written admitting they slip in and out lisping (and hand gestures) depending on whether they're in a gay bar or at a party, or out in public. Interesting!


Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 17, 2010 D3

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