DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife, who is the creative type, now wants to play with ice cream when we have sex at the lake. She hauls out the little Haagen Dazs container and expects me to decorate her with it and consume the ice cream, like she's a delicious parfait. This doesn't do anything for me and it's a lot of work. The other night at the lake she'd had a few too many drinks and her tongue got loose. She told two girlfriends about this ice cream game, and I heard them all giggling in the screened in porch. She would KILL me if I mentioned what she does sexually. I know this is a silly thing and I should laugh it off but I picture these two friends telling their husbands and others, and that makes me feel embarrassed and betrayed. Isn't sexual stuff supposed to be private? What now? -- Not Amused, Grand Beach
Dear Not Amused: Who can blame you for not wanting the detailed and amusing visual of your sexploit transferred to friends and others. If it's any comfort, you may now appear in the fantasies and dreams of your wife's girlfriends. Your only defense is to act proud of being a wild 'n crazy lover and laugh it off, while telling your wife to stop blabbing any more of your sexual secrets. Warn her those kinds of stories only increase the hot looks and possible offers from other women, and that should work. She may think hot looks stopped with the wedding, but they don't. Some women, especially married ones, find faithful husbands with sexually hot reputations, the most exciting targets for flirtation.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been in a relationship I can only describe as awesome, for over two years. This is the best relationship I've been in -- we work well together, never fight and always have a good time. The problem is I have very colourful thoughts of other women. The thoughts aren't always sex-related. In fact more often than not I find myself mentally comparing my current relationship with a "potential" one. Is this normal? As my current relationship moves forward I want to make sure that I'm in the "right place" as to not hurt this wonderful girl. I've also started thinking about taking a "break", to hopefully get a better idea of my priorities. Lately I've felt like what I'm looking for is a good friend I can watch a movie with, or make dinner for. But I really don't know right now. Thoughts? -- Confused
Dear Confused: While the woman you've been dating has lots of good qualities -- you're not in love. You're a restless single guy beneath the surface, willing to take the big chance of asking for a "break", or space. Asking for a break is a verbal slap in the face. It's a major warning signal to most lovers that this relationship is not going to work out. While this woman is an "awesome" person, she hasn't wiped out your constant single man sexual thoughts or your desire to be so perfectly free you can just "hang out" with a female friend here and there and have casual sex. This lover doesn't have a stranglehold on your heart and you still have beagle tendencies, bud. Time to be fair, and set her free to find someone who's ready for her and all she has to offer.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new boyfriend wears Hugo Boss, a cologne that he loves. But it turns me off sexually. Should I tell him the truth -- that it reminds me of my old boyfriend? When we get down to having sex, I insist we start with a shower to get the old boyfriend cues off his body. He calls me his "water baby" but the truth is I just can't stand his cologne and its associations. Should I accidentally-on-purpose break the bottle, and offer to buy him something else? -- YECH, Transcona
Dear Yech: Most guy don't care too much what cologne they wear, so long as it attracts the woman they want to sleep with. In a quiet moment, when you're not in the bedroom, tell your new man in a casual information-giving voice he wears the same cologne you old boyfriend wears. Add that you'd enjoy smelling a new scent with him. That cologne he's wearing will be in the back row of the shelf PDQ. He may want to choose his own new cologne or he could possibly enjoy going with you to try new ones that really turns you on. While you're at it, ask him how he feels about the cologne YOU wear and don't take offence if he'd prefer a different smell on you, too. Think guys don't notice these things? Some of them do, and you don't want to unwittingly smell like his old girlfriend, his sister or his mom.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email firstname.lastname@example.org