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Would you have cheated if she hadn't cut you off?

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is the other side of the story. I'm a married, cheating, gay husband who was on the down low for 25 years. Sex dwindled and stopped in our early 40s. She was not interested, and I couldn't get enough. I was always a good husband -- thoughtful, considerate, doing more than the average guy with the chores and kids. I left her alone, and found other ways. She found out I was gay a couple years ago, checking my computer. She was upset and rightfully so, accusing me of wasting decades of years of her life. Honestly, what do women think happens when they stop having sex with their husband? I didn't tell her because I didn't want a new "relationship" with a man or a woman. I'd had enough. Also, we had one divorce in the family and it affected the 40 related people from the age seven to 90. I don't need to flaunt my sexuality by coming out. I've always been discreet, and got what I wanted and was able to hide it for 25 years. After discussion of our situation, she agreed we were better off financially if we stayed together. Nothing has really changed besides her knowing what I've done. I still love her. If she wanted sex now, with condoms, I'd be willing. I only practised safe sex and have been tested faithfully and never been diagnosed positive for any STIs. However, I can appreciate she may not be interested, and I'm OK with my current situation. -- Cheating Gay Husband, Wpg.

 

Dear Gay Husband: Thank You. Your letter was a first for this column -- a candid letter from a man who's been living on the down low. There are, no doubt, many different situations and stories, well-hidden for reasons of discretion, though broken-hearted gay men will talk openly about their married lovers. Your story is sad because you've always loved this one woman -- your wife and the mother of your kids. It's interesting you call yourself gay, when it seems you're bisexual, though with sexual interest in only one woman. Sexuality is definitely a continuum, and it can shift throughout one's life. Your sexual life story brings up questions: 1) Would you have felt the need to see men for sex if you and your wife remained sexually active? 2) Did you have sex with men before you met the woman who became your wife? 3) What were your wife's complaints about sex? Please write back and answer.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went out on a blind date with a woman and she really wanted sex. She was newly separated and told me she hadn't had sex in eight months. I got the feeling she barely listened to me over dinner, with her eyes glued on the prize -- my body. All her replies to my questions about her work and attempts at general conversation were met with sexual innuendo. I was so taken aback when she joked about "breaking the seal" and referred to the size of my hands and feet, and I felt totally turned off her. What a sleaze! After dinner was over, I paid the bill and put $20 in her hand and told her to call a cab. I didn't want her hands on my thighs on the drive home. She told the mutual friend who set us up that I was a "sexless weirdo" and that's really getting my goat. Should I phone this eager beaver up and tell her what I think of her? I'm not shy, and I'm pretty mad. -- No More Blind Dates, Downtown.

 

Dear No More: This newly-separated woman had a lot of pent-up desire going on, but that's no excuse for being so bold and rude with a man. You punished her enough, when you refused to take her home and told her to take a cab. Don't call her up for a fight. DO call the friend who set you up, for a talk about what went on. She should know the state of the woman she's recommending to her guy friends. Let her confront the eager beaver for you and tell her know how you both feel about her aggressive sexual behaviour and the name calling afterwards. Her behaviour was disgusting and her friend needs to know it and suggest she gets help so she stops messing up her new single life.

 

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 20, 2011 A52

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