Wrong to expect men to 'perform' for free meal

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went out with a woman on the weekend who scared me. She picked me up in her car because I don't have one, and then we went to dinner that she bought, because I don't have much money. After dinner, it seemed she wanted payback for the fancy food. She drove me to a soccer field in her big fancy car, since she said we couldn't go to her place where she has teenagers. We kissed a bunch and then she locked the doors, don't ask me why. She asked me if I "brought anything" and I said, "No because we don't need anything." She said in a cold change of voice, that sounded like she meant business, "I disagree." Then I hit the manual "unlock" and opened my side of the car and got out. I walked a long way until I could get a bus. I just want your readers to know there are some very aggressive women out there. When I got home there was already message on my machine saying, "No loss. You're not much of a man anyways." I am as much of a man as any other guy, and have been called a great lover in my time. But, a woman like this kills a man's desire. -- Having My Say, South End

Dear Having My Say: I read your letter with great interest. I've had a handful of letters like this over the years and it's mostly to do with women with money, and definitely much more money than the guy. It's like this woman thought you owed her the price of the dinner. Many women have seen a similar attitude from men, so you'd think they'd know how wrong it is to pressure someone for sex in exchange for dinner. Surely we don't "work for food" in the dating world. Still, some women have the idea that a guy will welcome any sex he can get. I'd like to hear from other guys who have been expected to perform after a date, didn't want to, and how they refused it. Your letters will be published in an upcoming column.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In regards to "the scratcher," please do not suggest to someone with dry skin to use anti-dandruff shampoo. Dandruff is a medical disorder that requires medication prescribed by a physician. Real dandruff is not common -- it's yellow with a texture that's almost gelatinous, and it forms large scab-like patches on the scalp. It's not the white flakes showing in commercials. Anti-dandruff shampoo is meant to dry out the excess oil that makes the scabs gelatinous. If you are telling a man with severely dry scalp to use dandruff shampoo he will be exacerbating the problem. You were correct to recommend using olive oil on the scalp. There are also professional moisturizing shampoos like Kevin Murphy Maxi Wash and the Hydrate Me Rinse in the same line. Combined, they will soothe the scalp and moisturize it as well. -- Winnipeg Hairstylist.

Dear Stylist: Thanks for the information, needed by many people as winter approaches, the heating systems come on, and everybody's skin starts to dry out -- especially their scalps. Some people get an itch on their scalp that's so frightful it looks like they're scratching for other reasons.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am the 35-year-old woman who wrote about being scared but excited over the idea of having a baby. I really appreciated your feedback, and that from your readers. It was nice to get some honest, clear responses. -- Scared but Excited

Dear Scared: I got feedback too, including a few kicks in the behind, but that's how it goes when you address a topic as emotionally loaded as having babies or not. The key idea readers didn't like was my suggestion that people may be getting too selfish as they get older to have a baby. Clearly, some just have other goals that preclude the immense devotion of time that goes into child care, at least for the first five or six years. Do you?

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 2, 2011 D4