Miss Lonelyhearts

Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

You are not powerless to help your daughter

By: Miss Lonelyhearts

Posted: 02/8/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0 (including replies)

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm terribly worried about my daughter of 17. She confided in me that her boyfriend of two months has a drinking problem, and has choked and hit her, while drunk. She still lives at home, but spends all her time at his house. When she does come home, he hounds her with phone calls and texts accusing her of cheating on him, until she goes back. She says she "loves" him and believes all his excuses. I've tried suggesting she go for counselling, but she's refused. I feel completely powerless and am desperate for her to get out of this relationship. I just don't know how to help her. What can a parent do when their child is in an abusive relationship? -- Powerless, Winnipeg

Dear Powerless: Give your daughter the number for Osborne House crisis line (942-3052) so she can ask some questions about the boyfriend, without your listening. She needs to de-romanticize what's going on by talking to a person who knows the cycle pattern of abuse. Remember, when this guy is not involved in blaming and abusing her, he will be saying every sweet thing she ever wanted to hear and more. With knowledge, she might stop falling for all his excuses, and the lines about her "provoking" him. If she's still in high school, try to find out from your daughter which guidance counsellor is considered the best. Then see that person for help with the problem. At the end of all this, you need to be quietly supportive so your daughter feels she can live at home, regardless of your feelings for her boyfriend. If this guy is living with his parent(s) and your daughter goes to live there, the parent(s) can be charged with harbouring her. Because of her age, you can also call the Youth Mobile Crisis Unit (949-4777). They will come out to see kids. If you feel your daughter isn't safe from the boyfriend or from herself (she's having self-destructive or suicidal feelings), parents can ask them to admit their child to the Crisis Stabilization Unit for a few days -- a locked facility for her to be safe, to chill out, to think about her life -- without the boyfriend being able to access her. It's a last resort, but sometimes necessary. Also, because your girl is not yet 18, and she's still in your care, you can call the police and have the boyfriend charged for assaulting her. She might not like you much for doing it, but it shines a light on him and his activities. Some parents have had luck going to visit the guy to advise him of what they're prepared to do; others have not, as the daughter then ran away with him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met this guy from my childhood after my long-term relationship broke up. We rushed things. A month after dating, we got a place together. I knew he had a past, but didn't check it out. He ended up back in jail. He will be getting released this year and I've found another man. I did "lead on" the guy in jail, to believe I loved him. I did "love" him, I just wasn't "in love" with him. I never felt myself fall in love like I have with the other. I'm so confused and trying to make everyone happy and I don't want to let anyone down, but, I am realizing, as the day draws closer for his release, I am NOT happy and I'm letting MY feelings down. What should I do? -- Confused and in Love With Another.

Dear Confused: You owe it to the man in jail to tell him right away that you're not having him back to live with you and he must find a place with friends or relatives when he gets out. Also tell him you found someone else, so he doesn't have to hear it from someone else once he gets out. Your main problem is haste which makes for bad decisions that backfire. Slow down now. Decide in favor of the man you really want to be with, and don't jump into living with him. Start being honest with everyone instead of wily.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 8, 2012 C4

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