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You can fight, but porn is tough opponent

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last week I found an open porn site on the computer. My husband accidentally forgot to close it when he was visiting the site in the afternoon, when I was not home. He told me he watches porn two to three times a week. Coincidently, the same evening I found the open site, I'd made a sexual comment to him 15 minutes previously, and he said he wasn't in the mood. I felt rejected after discovering he was watching porn in the afternoon and later declined my playful sexual advance. My question to you is, "Is it normal for a man to sneak behind his wife's back and watch porn?" When he tells me he's watching two to three times a week, it makes me not believe or trust him. We've been married for over 30 years. I've considered leaving him, but I'd miss him. He has a lot of positive qualities and I know I'm not perfect, either. I do love him but wonder if he is normal or does he have an addiction to porn? -- Feeling Rejected and Unloved.

Dear Feeling Rejected: It's interesting he's using the screen, and refusing a real tryst with you hours later. That indicates a degree of satisfaction with porn that encroaches on your sex life with him. Do you think he's lying about how much he uses porn? Time for some detective work. If it's just two or three times a week, it's not a lot more than many other men with computers. You could appeal to his love for you and tell him how hurt and rejected you feel -- but porn is often stronger than complaints and hurt feelings of a mate (even before it's an addiction.) If empathy is what you want, put a chair beside his chair at the computer and dial up a porn site for women. When he sees what the technically-altered men look like, he will feel uncomfortable. Point out that you feel uncomfortable with his watching female counterparts who look like Barbie dolls. You don't look like that and he doesn't look like the men onscreen. Nobody does. Most parts are augmented by a few clicks of a mouse. If you do find out he's lied and he's really at this all the time, make waves. He may opt for porn-addiction counselling rather than losing you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a secret I keep from my live-in boyfriend. I put two pillow cases on each pillow and I hide a picture of my ex-husband inside the interior pillow case. We may not have been suited as a couple -- he was an outrageous drinker and he was violent sometimes -- but my ex-husband will never be beaten as my sexual soul mate. I always pull out his picture in the half-dark room after my boyfriend is asleep and I fantasize about my ex before I go to sleep and sometimes dream about having sex with him. I always hide the picture deep in the pillow before I go to sleep. The other night I forgot to put the picture away before I went to sleep and my (boyfriend) found it in the bed when he woke up. His reaction was so swift I couldn't believe my eyes. He pulled out two suitcases, threw all his clothes and stuff into it and said, "I'll pick up the rest later." Then he left. Just like that. He knows the story about how I was always sexually crazy about my husband, but I can never be with him again as he drank and started beating me. What should I do to get him back? -- All Alone Now, Downtown

Dear Alone. Let this poor guy go quietly. Let him pack up without your going at him and trying to convince him it was a mistake and he should stay. It was no mistake! You're still in lust with the other man and he knows it for sure, now. You took a photo of the other man to bed with you while he lay sleeping beside you and he saw that evidence. It has to cut deeply. What you need to do in coming months is work on your feelings in counselling to loosen the ties that bind you to this ex. In your mind, the belief is strongly present that no one can hold a candle to your ex-husband when he was good sexually and not being violent. And what you must come to understand is there are many men who are gifted sexually, especially if they love a woman. Their energy comes from leading an exciting life, not from the alcohol and a dark side. As for being "all alone now," don't try to fill the position of new boyfriend quickly. Fall back on friends and loved ones in your family while you heal your emotional/sexual self to the point where you can make a great new choice that will surpass your ex in many areas, and last.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 6, 2011 A52

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