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You could try fighting porn with porn

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm in a relationship with a man in his 20s and I'm in my 30s. We've both come out of unhealthy relationships and feel we've found something great -- so happy in all aspects, and the sex is great. We both have high sex drives and have intercourse faithfully once every day. The only issue I'm having a hard time dealing with is his masturbation. The logical side of me knows every guy does it, it's normal, natural, safe, yada yada yada.... But, knowing he does it and uses porn really bothers me. (Ironically, the thought of it also really turns me on.) He says he thinks there's nothing wrong with it, but still denies it. I'm also a hypocrite. I do it alone often, BUT to thoughts of him and our activities. Is it the act itself or the use of porn (which I like too, but rarely seek as I don't have time) or the fact he is lying to me? How do I give him what he is entitled to -- privacy, and the right to do with his body what he wants, just as I have, and just be OK with this once and for all? -- Perturbed Lover, Winnipeg

Dear Perturbed: It's probably the use of porn (other sexy women on screen when you're not invited) that rankles you most. So, to even things out, you could experiment. Make the time to find yourself some porn for women, with an actual storyline to it. No doubt he'll be curious to see what you get, so welcome him to watch with you if he wants to, and maybe he'll invite you to watch one of his videos with you.... Or, you could start having sex twice a day -- before work and before bedtime is quite normal for highly-sexed couples. No time for that? You could also say to yourself as a mantra: "I exercise my right to privacy and he deserves his, too" until you get the belief locked in your head. At the very least, drop your anger level over this and stop searching for evidence, unless you think he's addicted. (It seems more like a sideline).

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts; My girlfriend used to be a serious gymnast and it's amazing what she can do. I am an armchair football player with a lot of "muscle resting." I don't mind when she introduces crazy positions into our sex life that don't involve my taking a chance on breaking something. But she now seems to delight in suggesting things I can't do without taking that chance. What is she trying to prove? That I need to lose 50 pounds and get in shape? She is 5-3 and 120 pounds. Good for her. I'm 6-3 and 225 pounds. She met me at this size and loved me as "her big guy." So why does she torment me now? -- Fed Up Big Guy, Transcona

Dear Big Guy: It could be she's dropping big hints. Translated, her actions could mean, "If you want to keep up with me, you'd better get on the fitness trail. I am fed up with your being a slug." How about you ask her outright if that's what all this gymnastic taunting means? So much for hinting. It's time for a real communication with words about this. Does she want you to lose weight? Have the initial good feelings worn down because you're in the armchair way too much, and she's an athlete? Do you want to become more athletic or are you happy being sedentary? If you are, perhaps this is no longer the right woman for you. As we know, sex is rarely about sex. It's a communication on many levels. Ask her to talk to you about what she's thinking and feeling and be prepared for the truth, whatever it is. It wouldn't be a bad thing for you to get fit; it can add at least 10 years to your life.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 11, 2011 A12

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