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You don't have to tell him everything

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I miss my dad so much that I go to his grave once a month and talk to him. My husband thinks this is "maudlin." My mother is a witch to me so I have no one to talk to about things. I'm a young bride and my older husband says I'm acting like an old lady by going to the graveyard. He still has both his loving parents. Should I lie and tell him I don't go there anymore, and just keep going? Or, should I shout him down once and for all? I am tired of explaining myself and being made to feel guilty. -- Missing My Dad, St. Vital

Dear Missing: When I was a young woman, my wise mother told me, "You don't have to tell your husband everything." We could tell her a secret just for her ears, and know it didn't get through to my dad. She wasn't advising large scale dishonesty, just saying there are still pockets of privacy that accompany two people in a marriage. You can stop fighting with your husband and stop talking about going to the graveyard. If he asks you, just smile and say, with a Madonna half smile, "Whether I go or not, and how often, is my business." And it really is your private business.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a guy, age 19. I wanted to tell my new girlfriend I loved her, for the first time. My mom is a great baker and I learned from her. I'm into baking for friends' birthday and I made this beautiful cake for my girlfriend, with I LOVE YOU on the top. She not only made fun of me for doing a girly thing -- "Show me your apron!" -- but she started a food fight. She dug into the icing words on my cake with her fingers and rubbed it on my lips as she kissed me. I guess that was supposed to be erotic but it felt like something mean. My cake was wrecked. Without thinking I picked up another handful of the cake and smeared it on her face. Then she threw some on my shirt and it went on from there until we were both covered. She was laughing, but I wasn't. When she said, "Let's have a shower together, and wash it all off!" I said, "No, go home and use your own shower. You started this." Now she has told all her friends I made her walk home with icing in her hair in the cold, and I am the jerk. She keeps calling me and acting like it was all a big joke, and why don't I lighten up? I don't really get why she did that, and what happened. -- Something's Gone Now, Westwood

Dear Gone: She felt uncomfortable when she saw the word LOVE for the first time. To take down the expectation of her saying it back to you, she teased you about being less than a man and attacked you "playfully," wrecking the words on the cake. Now you're supposed to see it as sex play and a joke. She ruined your gift to her, for a reason. You have a right to be hurt and angry. Making her go home covered in cake and icing wasn't gentlemanly -- you could have let her use your shower alone -- and then sent her packing. This is not "the one" for you. Find yourself a lady who loves to cook and/or bake, and have a fun life in the kitchen and the bedroom together.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 2, 2012 C4

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