DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My main New Year's' resolution for 2011 is to come clean. I need to build up the nerve to tell my husband I'm bisexual, and that I knew that before I married him. I wanted to have children so badly I thought I could repress my desires for women. It worked while the kids kept me so busy I couldn't get excited about sex of any kind. Now, they are a little older and I am thunderstruck by the return of my libido. I want a woman in my life again and I'm heartsick about what this will do to my husband. We don't have much sex and he's so patient. He thinks it's because of the kids, and stress. The truth is I'm just not enough "into" men for the desire to override fatigue. OK, I'll tell you the rest. I have seen my female ex-lover three times in the last two months and it was everything I have been missing for five years. Please help. -- Ashamed and Sneaking, St. James
Dear Ashamed: Sometimes you have to spill the truth and see what happens. Damage control? Look ahead at each possible scenario listed and try to think of your best, honest response. 1) Your husband wants to leave you, with or without the kids; 2) He'll stay if you give up this woman/all women; 3) He's OK with your having a girlfriend on the side (a small percentage of men are); 4) He wants an open marriage.... You must also figure out what final result you want. You husband may ask you if you want to him to stay, and you really need to know that answer. He may ask you if you love his woman, and if you want her more than him, and if the sex is better -- anguished questions that deserve thought-out answers. You may also want to get hold of Rainbow Resource Centre help line and find out what other bisexual couples have done.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My heart is breaking! My kids have decided to move out because I'm such a slob, and a hoarder. They're ashamed of our family home and are getting a new place for the three of them age 18-23 without me. The older one has already signed the lease on the first floor of a rental house and the other two told me at Christmas they are sorry, but they're moving out with her. I'm losing all three kids over my compulsions. I can't part with anything and I'm a shopaholic to boot. My nightmare is I may fill up all their empty rooms with stuff! Don't tell me to see a psychiatrist because the lineup would be too long. I want help now. My youngest daughter said, "Mom, I love you but you need to get help for your head." Where can I find a self-help group? -- Crying At Work, Tuxedo
Dear Crying: The cost of some self-help groups is you hate to graduate from the accepting social group who have become friends. You have to keep messing up in order to stay in the group.... Hoarding is one manifestation of obsessive compulsive disorder. They can't sort -- everything seems valuable -- too nice or useful to throw out. OCD is usually treatable by a psychologist who uses cognitive behavioural therapy. The hoarder learns to change the way she thinks about things, which then allows her to behave differently. Find out what's available to you in terms of group insurance sessions with a psychologist, and consider paying the fee yourself if you can't get your workplace to do it. You won't feel the loss of your children's daily presence so much, once you get your life back. Your kids will start coming for visits again, and feel comfortable coming over to your nice house.
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