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You know he's a bum, so end the romance

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: So, I've been dating this guy for the better part of a year now, and things are not working out well between us. I recently found out that his ex had a baby, and it may be his (we began dating shortly after they broke up). As well, I found out he's paying another ex's bills, because she threatened legal action, as she has "documentation" proving he would help her with her finances. Now, when I started dating this man, I thought he was sweet, caring, affectionate, charming. Now I think he's a crafty bum. I've bailed him out a few times, and do I ever feel like a fool. He thinks he can "fix this" situation, and as a young lady who has had her fair share of failed relationships, I really don't think he can. But here's the hitch, I recently met his family, and I care for them too. His 10-year-old son, completely melted my heart. I know in my head that I should drop him like a sack of mouldy potatoes, but at the same time I am perplexed as to whether I should give him a chance, considering my dating track record is pretty dismal? Goodness. I'm a Mess! -- Winnipeg.

 

Dear Mess: You know the man is, in your words, a bum. You are getting signs from your gut and trying to ignore them. Only a fool would advise you to continue with a guy who's already dragging baggage of this weight and type and who has lied to you, by omission. You had to find out these things later, once you were emotionally hooked. A good man would have told you everything up front -- maybe not the first or second date -- but certainly before things proceeded into intimate areas. However, it seems you aren't finished with this ride yet. You have gone from the pavement to the gravel road to the bumpy road with the grass in the middle. The end of this romantic road is coming. One word about the 10-year-old. This is not the "man" you should be considering.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been dating my boyfriend for nine months. We have lots in common, constantly laugh, have a great sex life and are a really great match. After dating for about four months I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that this was a special relationship. The other day I brought up the option of moving in together at some point in the next year and maybe marriage one day. (I'm in no rush for the marriage part though.) When I brought it up, he kind of shrugged it off and said "maybe." I probed a little further and he said he didn't want to rush things and that maybe in a few years we could talk about the prospect of moving in together. I'm feeling a little heartbroken as I have already told him once how I feel about him and he didn't respond back the same, all he said was that he is bad with words when it comes to describing how he feels. Now he wants to wait a few years to "talk" about the idea of starting our lives together. Am I being unreasonable about the fact that I want him to be on the same page as me? Or am I wasting my time. By the way I'm 27 and he's 34. -- Confused and Unsure, Winnipeg

 

Dear Confused: He's 34. That's a point of interest. He's been with you nine months, and he isn't ecstatic about your relationship. You ask him for a straight answer and he gives you an excuse for not expressing the truth as he experiences it. You told him how you felt -- my guess is you popped the words "I love you" -- and he said nothing emotional back. You are not at the right age for years of a lopsided relationship. This would be a good time to pull away from him and see if he chases you. If he doesn't, then keep on distancing yourself and break it off. People who are the most sorry for going-nowhere past relationships are the ones who were in the prime marriage and baby-making years who let it all slip by, waiting on the wrong guy. Don't be ashamed or think you are uncool to have that marriage and family dream. You should move on and go after your beautiful, completely natural dream.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition May 30, 2011 D4

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