You might be addicted to a woman who doesn't love you

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: It's been a year since I kicked my wife out of the house, because I caught her cheating on me twice. The first time I forgave her but the second time I couldn't. The other problem is I was very sick at the time and so I told her to leave because I didn't want her fake pity. She said it was not fake, but as soon as I was out of the hospital, she started coming home later and later, and going through my mind was "Is she doing it again, so I would ask. She would get mad and it'd continue until I'd had enough. The problem is this: Why do I still care for her wellbeing and safety? She treated me like crap, left me at home by myself from afternoon till late at night waiting and wondering. Am I crazy for having these feelings? I did treat her very well, never missed a special day or time in her life and I don't think I deserve what I got in the end. -- Nothing But Lies

Dear Nothing: If only love were about what we deserve! If only it were about justice, instead of capricious feelings that may come and go for the other person -- and for you. Think about this. It's clear your wife has lost the taboo against cheating, if she ever had one. Getting caught may be her only concern in relationships. It's time for you to let go of her emotionally. Whether you love her or not is not the issue, oddly enough. You may be addicted to her. Think about this: A man may love the bottle, but it doesn't love him. A guy might love his drugs, and break the law and risk his life to buy them -- but the drugs don't love him back. This woman may like you, but she doesn't love you and she doesn't treat you with respect. There are other women in the world you can love even if you still have a corner of your heart reserved for this one. She let go a while back; now you must let go, too, and find someone who loves you, too.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm 18. I am a little shy to admit I have been having sex with someone I don't know very well. In fact, I asked him not to use last names. I like playing this game. But, now he wants to know my name and where I live and all about me. I told him I wouldn't tell and he says he can find out anyway. What should I do now? -- Games Player, Osborne Village

Dear Player: There's a mean streak in your behaviour. This guy went along with your game for a while but now he wants to knock it off and be real with you. That's normal. He wants to get to know the person he's in bed with. If you don't like him well enough to let him know your name and address, then tell him, "I'm sorry for being like this, and I'm going to do you a favour and get out of your life." Actually, you're playing roulette with danger. Sooner or later you will meet someone who's meaner than you are. Talk to a counsellor about this, after you say goodbye to this poor guy.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 17, 2011 D8