DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend gets some kind of charge out of swatting me on the behind when I go by. I soon started swatting him back harder so he'd get the idea it wasn't fun. But, he seemed to like it even more. Last night he slapped my bum as he went by me in the kitchen and I lost it completely and took the metal spoon I was stirring with, and decked him with it. I missed the top of his head and got his eye. Now he has a black eye and is very embarrassed, and he's not talking to me. I told him he started this. He said, "This is different. This is not foreplay." Foreplay? I never thought the smacking was sexy; it just hurt. I just thought he was having fun hitting me "playfully" but now I think it turned him on for later. -- Still Love Him, Selkirk
Dear Still: Trying to teach non-violence through violent retaliation doesn't make sense. You should have stopped him after the first smack and said, "That hurt me. Don't do it ever do it again, playfully or not, or I'll be gone." A sophisticated person would also ask the man if he was initiating spanking as a hint that he'd like to experience that stimulation in sexplay. Then you could have discussed that possibility and whether you'd enjoy playing Mistress and acting as the spanker. You're certainly not going to be the spankee.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Why is my (lesbian) wife suddenly losing weight and buying new clothes in styles she knows I don't like -- and she doesn't care? Why is she putting on makeup and getting a new hairstyle with sleazy femmy clothing, and shaving her legs and getting pedicures. She never did that for me. I love her natural look. There's been a real change in her in the last few months. I'm just going to ask you straight out: Is she having an affair and could it be with a man? -- Terrified to Ask, St. Vital
Dear Terrified: She is acting suspicious, and the clothing choices might indicate it's a man (but not necessarily). Asking her all your questions would be fastest, if she'll answer. If she appears to be lying -- won't look at you, stutters, looks off to the side, touches her nose a lot (lying stress often makes the nose itch) -- tell her you intend to find out, so she might as well spill the truth. If that doesn't work, you may have to hire somebody to find out. It won't cost much. New lovers can't stay away from each other for long. If you don't want to hire a private detective, have a friend do it. Don't go out looking for her on your own -- too painful and humiliating when you make the discovery, and things can get violent.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been lying on my bed in shock for hours. While I was at work, my wife and her boyfriend cleaned out the whole house except for the bed, TV and computer. The neighbour saw them. Her note just says, "I don't love you and your porn habit anymore. You get the house and the bed and the computer." That was it. What can I do? -- In Shock, Wolseley
Dear Shock: Call your family and closest friends and have them help you make a short list of what you need to do. At the top will be seeing a lawyer for a legal separation. If your ex is entitled to half the house by law, she'll soon find out and come back looking for that, or for you to buy her out. Meantime, get some deep-discount furniture so you're not walking around in an empty house. Once you're set up somewhat, consider dealing with your porn habit.
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