Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

You need counselling for your manipulative behaviour

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is from another country and she is the passionate jealous type. After she has been jealous of me at a party, where I consciously do some flirting with a pretty woman, she drags me home early and we have a fight, and then the hottest make-up sex! I had too much to drink on New Year's Eve and mentioned this phenomenon to her, and she went cold. When we got home, she quietly slept in the guest room and has every night since. When I asked her why, she said, "You used my painful emotions against me to get hotter sex for three years now. You are a manipulator and I see who you really are. I HATE who you are underneath!" I said, "Will you ever feel different?" and she said, "I don't know." Now what do I do? I really, really love her and would never cheat on her. -- World's Biggest Loser, River Heights

Dear Loser: Why should she trust you, the way you are now? "I'm soooo sorry" isn't enough. You fed your wife's painful jealousy by consciously flirting with other women -- so you'd get hot sex later. Then you mocked her by bragging to her face about how you manipulated her. That's cruel behaviour. Your only chance? You need to see a psychologist about what you did, and try to work out the dynamics behind it so you can make a meaningful change. That will take more than a few visits. She may or may not trust you have changed by the time you're finished, but you need to do it for yourself anyway.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met the "love of my life" while on holiday in Mexico this Christmas and then he went home to Australia. I have never met such a complete and instant perfect match for me. I emailed him as soon as I got back to Winnipeg and told him this, and that I loved him." He emailed me back saying "Truthfully, you're not such a good match for me long-term. Sorry. We had a lot of fun and I think you're a great girl." After I stopped crying, I began to see what an egotistical jerk he was and how my letter had massaged his pride to the point where he thought he was a god. How could I have been so completely taken in? Was he pretending those two weeks in Mexico? It was like a fairy tale and he was my Prince. How could he kiss me good-bye with tears in his eyes and then go back to Australia and write me that I'm NOT what he's looking for? -- Taken In, Winnipeg

Dear Taken In: When you were in Mexico, your man was playing a marvelous Prince Charming in a romantic stage play with you, with the ocean as your backdrop. It's not so hard to do for two weeks -- being on one's best behaviour, on a holiday with no stress. There's nothing much to do but have fun and great sex and go out to dinners and walk in the evening breezes. He gave you a two-week bubble of perfection, and bought into the romance to the point he cried just before the curtain came down. The difference between you two? While being romantic, he still allowed himself to see you clearly. But, you were wearing glasses with a fine mist across the lens. That's why he knew you weren't right for each other long-term and you couldn't see his imperfections. Forgive this guy and try to file this under Romantic Holiday Memories. He's not a horrible guy. At least he told you the truth as soon as he found out you weren't just "being romantic" on holiday, but truly felt it.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 12, 2012 D3

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