Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION
You need to talk about breakup
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend of eight years (we met at 15) broke up with me three months ago. I'm feeling depressed, but don't have the heart to let anyone around me know how badly I'm actually feeling. I put on a brave face saying how much happier I am, but the truth is I'm miserable. I can't stand the thought of not being with him. I've lost 25 pounds because I can't keep food down. His family and friends think I deserve better. All I want is him to come back. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend, but he dumped me for another woman. I go out with my girlfriends, go to the gym and play sports and try to fill up my time, but find myself thinking of him all the time checking my phone just to see if he called, texted or changed his status on Facebook. Does this feeling ever go away? He was my first true love. -- J., St. Boniface
Dear J.: If this guy's own family thinks he's not good enough for you, they know. So, start looking at it this way: The romance vehicle that carried you and your first love along has no engine anymore. He's driving another vehicle now, and you need a new one as well. Part of your problem has been putting on that brave face and staying stuck. The heartbreak diet of losing up to 25 pounds is common, but refusing to share with close friends and family is a mistake. You'd want to be there for them, wouldn't you? Confess you've been faking it and talk from the heart. Let it all out. Then see your doctor to talk about the depression and inability to eat. If you're existing on coffee and junk food, you may need a planned diet and nutrition milkshakes plus some temporary medication. Also, low-grade depression can be helped by walking and running at least 30 minutes a day, especially in fresh air. In three weeks your spirits naturally rise. So speed-walk to the library or a big bookstore for It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and study it. Also consider counselling to boost you out of this emotional stuckness. Klinic drop-in counselling is free (784-4067) and open most days of the week and into the evening and the 24-hour crisis line is 786-8686.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is an idiot. She cuts off everyone who does anything even remotely wrong, in her opinion, except for me. I have now become her only friend and she has lost all of the six close friends since we married. Last night she said something that disturbed me "All I need is you. You're my only true friend." This is a burden I don't wish to carry. Now she wants babies and I find I'm balking. For some reason I don't want to have children with her. What does this mean? -- Upset Husband. West K.
Dear Upset: She amputates instead of mending. Naturally, you don't want to carry the burden of being her only friend and splitting the job of raising babies with someone who one day might cut you off, just like that. Besides, multiple friendships nourish relationships and friendships with those who rely solely on you for every emotional need are energy-suckers. Cutting off all friends, without negotiating through problems is causing a problem, and marriage counselling is necessary at this juncture. Tell her you need to see her reopen her life to friendships and become more tolerant before you can consider having babies with her. It's scary to have children with a woman who might take them away, just like that. There are laws against that, but partners with primary custody can still make it very difficult and women generally get the kids under their roofs.
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6, or email email@example.com
Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 8, 2011 C3
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