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You're a hypocrite and a cheater... give 'soul mate' his freedom

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex and I broke up two years ago, but often communicate through text and email. We're both in stable, committed relationships. He recently moved in with his girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have made the choice not to live together yet. My boyfriend is aware of my communication with my ex and is fine with it as I tell him about it, for the most part. My ex recently told me, however, that despite his moving in with his girlfriend, he is not happy and is still in love with me. He hopes we can make it work one day and will still have that hope for as long as it takes. I love my boyfriend and truly do believe he's my soul mate and life partner. But I also deeply care for and love my ex. I know that it'd never work between us because I was dating him for status (he's way out of my league). Neither my ex nor I would cheat on our partners. Recently my ex told me to stop texting and use email instead, because he and his girlfriend fought over the texting. I gave him the option to end all forms of communication. He said no, because it'd be like trying to turn a part of himself off. I don't want to be the "other woman," I just want to be his friend. I should mention he was texting another woman while we were together and I found out about it and it broke us up. -- Needing Your Advice, Please, Winnipeg

Dear Needing: Look at the hypocrisy in what you're doing. What you're doing to your new boyfriend is exactly what your ex did to you. You, of all people, should know that emotional cheating via texting and email counts. It erodes your other real life relationship. You got rid of your ex for it; it's exciting to you to have him crawling back, dying for another go-round. Look, this ex will always have other women he's texting and emailing. In fact, now he's asking you to sneak-email as the texting is obvious to the woman's he's living with. Are you willing to go along with that? You know you will. You love the ego boost of having this high-status (older, richer?) man chasing you now. It's gotten so far out of hand your ex is declaring he's still in love and will wait forever. It's time you set the present boyfriend free to find someone who truly loves him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband left his second wife for me and swore there'd never be another. Now I go to bed at night praying he'll find someone else and leave me, too. I'd like to get out of this marriage. My husband is in his 50s and I'm in my 30s. We got married when I was 22 and he was my handsome instructor and very sexy. I so admired him, and he was pleased a young woman like me would be interested in a him. Well, he's aged big-time in 10 years and we had no kids together as he already had three when I met him. Who cares? I don't see them when they come over as I don't enjoy kids all that much, anyway. Now I'm tired of being married to an old man who talks like this: "When I'm retired in a few years, we'll go travelling and see North America in a mobile home." Retirement in my 40s? Is he crazy? OK, here's the rest. There's this guy at work who's my age and I'm so attracted. We had one kiss and I swear it lasted 10 minutes before I pushed him away. Often we are the only two left in the office at closing time. I can't hold out much longer. Any advice? -- Want To Walk, Winnipeg

Dear Too Young: You're quite clear about not wanting your husband anymore. Maybe he's tired of you, too. You may be hot, but you don't sound very warm. Having a steamy fling with a young man at the office is not the way to work things out with your husband, or to part from him -- or to stay at your job. So have a state of-the-union talk with your husband ASAP. Advise him that you're not into retiring two decades earlier than normal, and you don't share his travel dream. Then tell him what you DO want out of your life at this point, and that may be a partner who's at the same stage. If you're lucky he will see you are no longer a match, or he may simply be broken-hearted. Whatever the outcome, he will certainly understand that marriages don't always last, as you are No. 3, and he left his last wife for someone who was very young.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 29, 2011 D2

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