DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I think our 19-year-old son is secretly having sex in our house. I don't know where or when, but suspicious clues turn up in the bathroom. I think somehow he is bringing a girlfriend home and they are having sex, but a parent is here all the time. My husband and I work opposing shifts. I have not seen a girl around here at all, ever, yet there are tell-tale things like open foil packets turning up in the bathroom. What could be happening? I am terrified to ask. -- Vigilant Mother, St. Vital
Dear Vigilant: Terrified? At 19, your son is no baby. You think it's a bad thing he's using protection that comes in foil packets? Condoms are normal responsible behaviour. He deserves some credit. It's actually stranger he feels he can't bring a girlfriend or a boyfriend home to meet the folks. It's time to do some practical thinking and face facts. During the time you're off to work and your husband is sleeping, your son and his partner might be having a great old time. The likeliest scenario? Your husband knows, doesn't mind, and just doesn't tell you. He may even say to your son, "Don't tell your mom. She'll blow a gasket."
How about starting a friendly conversation with your son by asking when you can meet his sweetie? Then he'll understand you're in the know and you'll have avoided an unnecessary fight. And, one day soon, you might gently suggest it's time to find a place with a friend for a little more privacy.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I miss golf real bad. I don't like my wife. I don't like spending time with her. I do love her deep down but she's a whiny woman and she always has "ideas"' for things I should be doing to help out more around the new house. I married her for her fun-loving nature and sexual abilities, not for her housekeeping. I thought she felt the same about me -- the world's biggest slob. I had hoped we'd live together as two happy slobs and have sex 10 times a week instead of just on the weekends like when we used to live two hours apart.
Now she wants to come home from work and do "projects" around the house and cook stuff or for me to barbecue instead of having hello sex. What?! That's what restaurant takeouts are for. I'm 39 and this is my first marriage. I'm not a domestic guy and I didn't want a housewife. We don't plan to have any kids, so why is she acting like her mother, an old-fashioned working woman? By the way, I hate the suburbs where we live. -- Need to Go Golfing, Winnipeg
Dear Golfing: Many otherwise sane people snap in to parental mode -- and act like their folks for awhile after they get married -- unless someone in the couple says: "Wake up! We don't have to imitate our parents. Could we pretend to be single again and get back to being lovers?"
You might even add: "I don't care what the house looks like, and if you care, I'll hire a house cleaner. I just want us to be like we were before we moved into the same city together." Give her a few days to let that sink in and then revisit the problem and solution. In the meantime, you're super-crabby, mister. Ask your buddies to regularly come and get you to go to the golf course. Get on that cart where you'll feel immensely better -- and go 18 holes to make sure.
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6