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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

No need for medical history on first date

By: Miss Lonelyhearts

Posted: 10/29/2011 1:00 AM | Comments: 0 (including replies)

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have been fishing around on the personals and found a cute gal to talk to. My question is how much should I tell her about my health? I have a few problems, none of them STIs (sexually transmitted infections). How much does she need to know and when? I would like to meet her soon and tell her all about myself. Should I tell her about my tension headaches and my tennis elbow and my slight heart problem? When is the right to disclose stuff like that? -- Not 100 Per Cent, Tuxedo

Dear Not 100 Per Cent: Everyone has things wrong with them past a certain age, and a person who refers to a woman as a "gal" is of a certain age. So, when do YOU want to hear a recitation of your new romantic interest's physical woes and find out about hers? Certainly not on the first date. You needn't lay out a list of aches and pains and health conditions over first coffee. (Though this works well if you're trying to scare the person away). The right time to disclose medical conditions is when you're entering an actual relationship with this person and you're going to be having sex. So many online meetings fade dramatically after an initial coffee, there's just no need. But often one person blabs the whole time, telling too many details. Whet's appropriate on first dates is talking about interests and work and the fun things you like to do -- just like you're happily chit-chatting on a train with a stranger. You may trade philosophies on life, tell anecdotes from your past and present, and start a friendship. If you feel attracted, great. If not, no embarrassing intimacies have been exchanged.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read the column about decisions to keep quiet or not if you're tempted to cheat. I'm married almost 50 years. My husband always gave me a hard time when it came to cooking for him. I got so fed up I decided it's time for me to do something for myself. I started to run the marathon and I am taking tae kwon do, even though he did not agree. I'm 73. Last year I met a gentleman who was very nice. He gave me lots of compliments which I never heard from my husband. I really liked him a lot, but when he offered me a ride out of Winnipeg, I said to myself, "Wake up!" I never cheated on my husband, even when we fought, and I did not keep the secret from my husband. I told him about the man. I feel so good and I'm proud of myself that I resisted a temptation. By the way, my husband is 82. Thank you for listening, and for the advice you give with love and respect. -- Looking After myself

Dear Looking After Myself: We're glad you feel better, but how did your husband react? Did it have a good or a bad effect? Does he still criticize you? How has this affected your sexual life -- or do you still have one? Please write back with the conclusion of your story. Enquiring minds want to know.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a woman chasing me and I told my wife about it and she has never let me forget about it. I told her because I was afraid I'd cheat. My wife didn't have sex with me much. I'm too boring -- same predictable old moves, she said. Telling her was the biggest mistake I ever made. For three months she wouldn't come near me and she'd say things like, "If you want fancy sex, why don't you phone your girlfriend?" Finally she calmed down. We have occasional sex but she acts like she's doing me a favour. The trust is gone, and she says it'll never come back. -- Paying the Price of Honesty

Dear Paying: In the emotional letters than came in on this issue, there were five general reactions to confessing: 1) Jealousy, unless the relationship was dead and the other person had something going elsewhere. 2) Suspicion, every time the confessor left the house, 3) Willingness to smarten up and try to win back the one who was tempted to stray (uncommon). 4) Anger, with comments like: "You want to go? Is that why you're telling me this? Go ahead." 5) Retaliation. You think I don't know want someone else, like I've never been tempted? I might as well go ahead and do it." Very rarely did anyone say, "Oh my darling, Thank you for telling me about this. I feel so much better knowing. What can I do to make you want to stay with me?"

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 29, 2011 G9

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