Plan first dates somewhere other than near your bed

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 29. I have a wild body that controls my head. Because of my boisterous sex drive I make hasty decisions I regret later. Only if I back off the social scene completely does my body go into a resting state where I have no real needs and I eat instead. I can gain up to 15 pounds in these sluggish periods. If I let myself get back on the social scene -- dating, flirting, cybersex, erotic books, porn -- I get hungry for it and that's when the trouble starts. I don't give any relationship enough time to develop emotionally, so it's like two fast guys getting together instead of the usual fast man and a slow woman. I just wonder what it would be like with my new date and boom-bah -- we're on my bed, and it's me who got us there. It starts with thoughts of having sex and goes to a roaring in my abdomen with an overpowering desire to try him out. How can I learn to hold on longer? My body is separate from my head, and it wants what it wants. -- Oversexed and Annoyed, Transcona

Dear Oversexed: Why are you always so near your bed on your first "dates," or do you start with hang-outs at your house? Bad idea! Stop letting your dating partners pick you up at home and become an expert at having a series of fun dates outside the house. Make a list of activities and bistros, then string eating-and-activity-dates together. Go easy on drinking at dinner as it loosens inhibitions you only have in short supply. Make sure you drive to meet the new person and then you drive yourself home, and not to his place. Sample his kisses at the end of the date before you speed away. Luckily, the weather's too cold to be jumping in the car and mashing in the back seat. Comfort yourself you may soon be seeing him intimately (if he pans out) and spend the interim time exercising, stripping off some slug weight and buying lingerie and other accoutrements for your tickle trunk.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I caught my husband writing a love letter. He had gone to have a shower, but it was partly composed on the computer. It didn't have a name on it just "My darling, my love." I'm not his "darling" these days -- we haven't had sex in three years. It was clearly for a honey-bunny he has stashed, as he referred to a hotel they stayed at out of town. I was so mad! I sat right down and finished the letter for him with this: "You should know that I'm a married man with four kids and wife who is tired of my constant cheating with women and the horrible STI I gave her from my last lover. She is going to get the best lawyer she can and take me and my business for every cent she can get. By the way, I may have forgotten to tell you I am a drunk and I have herpes." He came into the kitchen about 20 minutes later, still in a towel, and his face was very red and he said, "I will take this as evidence that you're not going to play fair financially in the divorce," and then he yelled, "and there's going to be one!" Then he moved into the guest bedroom, but not out of the house. What's my next move? -- Broken Heart, Big Trouble, South End

Dear Broken: See a domestic lawyer he doesn't know and find out how best to proceed legally now that war has been declared. Your husband is camping in one end of the house for a good reason, not because he wants to be living on a battlefield with the enemy. Is he staking his claim on the house and property? Or, is he actually close with the kids and can't bear to leave emotionally? And here's a very important aspect to consider before pressuring him to get out: Is he seeing another woman and persuading himself he's in love with her because you no longer have sex with him? Do you both still deep down love each other and would get back together in a loving and sexual relationship if you could find ways to fix the problems? Talk to him about his "darling" and see how deeply this relationship goes. Ask him if he would be willing to go to counselling with you, even if it's to part as amicably as possible?

Questions or comments? Please email lovecoach@hotmail.com or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 10, 2013 A10