Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Porn addiction makes husband feel inadequate

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is a nice person on the outside: she goes to church, is good to our kids and works hard at her job, but she has a porn habit. Our kids, I pray, have no idea about the porn, but I can't be sure. They have never said anything. They are teenagers and I can only hope they don't have any disgusting habits like this themselves.

As for me, can you even imagine how weirded out and emasculated I feel by the kind of stuff she watches with guys you might call Hercules if you saw them? I have caught her a few times when she hasn't remembered to lock the door to the basement where she watches this stuff.

This part just burns me: she actually had a guy come over and install a lock on the basement door one day about a month ago when I was away. I have talked to (OK, yelled at) her about it and she invited me downstairs to join her. I went and walked away from those scenes feeling so weak and useless.

Please help me. I think I may have to leave her, but I don't to leave her with the kids. By the way, we don't have sex anymore because I just can't compete. -- Inadequate Husband, East Kildonan

 

Dear Inadequate: For several reasons on top of the porn habit, it's time you two went to relationship counselling. The porn-watching itself, the lack of real sex or any loving touch, plus the way you feel about her, her evident lack of concern about your feelings and the absence of frank communication are all major problems. Your relationship is on the brink and your wife doesn't know it.

She may have been fine with transferring all her sexual energy to the screen she watches or she may prefer not to have to do the "work" of real sex. The bottom line? You two need help, and quick. If your wife is unwilling to go, make the first visits yourself, and go to a counsellor who is familiar with porn-addiction counselling.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I would like Used to Abuse to know the difference between emotional intensity and love. I grew up in a house where my parents often argued loudly and I came to believe that this was a key ingredient in a romantic relationship. But while there will always be some disagreements over time, the real challenge is to learn to settle these respectfully and without any abuse whatsoever. As long as you confuses drama with love, you will never find happiness. -- A Peace Lover, Winnipeg

 

Dear Peace Lover: There's nothing wrong with craving excitement and drama in a relationship, but it doesn't have to come from verbal or physical combat. Once a couple has peace between them, they can join hands and jump into exciting adventures together, from skydiving to exotic travel to erotic adventures. Activities such as these strengthens the bond between them and they find themselves emotionally stirred by what they are planning together and doing.

The basis of the courage to try new things is trust in each other and abuse is often inspired by distrust. Plus, some abusive types love a fighting drama, or they have the mistaken belief, as you once did, that love means you "care enough" to fight. Caring enough is taking the time to find out everything your partner is thinking and feeling, and expressing your own take on things from your heart, then you can work out a compromise or take turns having things your way. Compromising on absolutely everything isn't fun for most people.

 

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition May 30, 2014 D4

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