Santa Paws is coming; maybe to your home

Yes, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Which means the eating season is almost here and it's time to reveal Doug's Super Secret Holiday Weight-Loss Tips, beginning with the following two-step workout:

Step 1 -- Dress up like Santa Claus and spend four hours sweating like a Butterball turkey in a red velvet suit while having your picture taken with hundreds of jittery dogs and cats;

Step 2 -- While you're feeling jolly, shed a few extra pounds when that nervous Great Dane on your lap mistakes your hand for a Milk-Bone because, unlike small children, dogs realize Santa has a pleasing salty taste.

OK, it's not exactly the South Beach Diet or Jenny Craig, but it works for me.

Ho ho ho! Seriously. For the third consecutive year, I'm going to shed pounds the hard way -- by playing Santa for the annual Pet Pics with Santa Paws fundraiser in support of the Winnipeg Humane Society.

The way this diet works is you, the festive pet owner, pop your dog or cat or weasel or goldfish in the car and drive to the humane society's shelter at 45 Hurst Way this coming Sunday between noon and 4 p.m. and get in a really long lineup to have a heartwarming photo taken with Santa, as portrayed by an overweight newspaper columnist inside an extremely hot, fragrant, red velvet suit.

Here's the deal: You get one photo for $12, three for $25 or a special package with a variety of photo sizes for $29. Also on Sunday, they'll have Hanukkah Pet Pics from 11 a.m. until noon. (If you want an even slimmer Santa, a second Pet Pics event is being held on Grey Cup Sunday, Nov. 29, from noon to 4 p.m.)

I've been writing about my jolly old workout for the last few years, but, surprisingly, Oprah has NOT invited me on her show to promote the Santa Paws Miracle Diet.

Given the fact I'm not getting rich, I decided to call the humane society and ask their public relations director, Aileen White, why someone as svelte as myself volunteers to be coated in dog drool and cat hair at this festive time.

Me: "Remind me why I'm doing this again."

Aileen: "Because all the proceeds go to help animals in our care, which is a really big deal because this year we've sheltered over 9,000 animals so far."

Me: "So the money's going to a great cause. How much do you hope to raise this year?"

Aileen: "I think a few thousand dollars would be super-cool!"

Me: "SUPER-COOL???"

Aileen: "I keep forgetting you're going to quote me so I shouldn't say things like 'super-cool' because I'll sound like a ditz."

Me: "OK, I won't use that. The problem is I've been Santa Paws for three (bad word) years and I'm running out of jokes. Any ideas?"

Aileen: "Yes, I think it would be super-cool to hold a contest."

Me: "Right... what's the big prize?"

Aileen: "The big prize is Santa visits the winner's home and they get professional photos of themselves, Santa Paws and their pets taken in their very own home by Frank Adam of Adam York Photography!"

Me: "And when you say 'Santa,' you mean ME?"

Aileen: "Ho ho ho!"

Me: "Swell! So what do readers have to do to win a visit from Santa Paws?"

Aileen: "We want them to send us their favourite Holiday Pet Story. It can be funny. It can be goofy. It can be cute. It can be touching. It should also be true and not too long, maybe 200 words or so."

Me: "Great, but most of MY true holiday pet stories tend to revolve around poop."

Aileen: "???"

Me: "For example, one year our main dog's gastrointestinal system basically exploded."

Aileen: "That's a holiday story?"

Me: "It happened under the Christmas tree!"

Aileen: "Ewwwwwww!"

Me: "OK, so we want readers to email us their very own, true holiday pet stories."

Aileen: "Exactly."

Me: "And then we pick the winners?"

Aileen: Right. Second prize will be a $50 gift certificate from our Tip to Tail Boutique and third prize is a $25 certificate."

Me: "Can I slap their stories in a column, get a snack and climb back on my couch?"

Aileen: "Why not?"

Me: "Cool, Aileen."

Aileen: "SUPER-COOL, Santa!"

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Win a visit from Santa Paws!

Want Santa (me) and a professional photographer to visit your home and take festive photos of you and your pets? Email me a goofy/touching holiday story about one of your pets (Try to keep it short, thanks!) at doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca. The humane society folks will pick their three favourite stories, and I'll put them in a column. The winner gets a visit from Santa, second prize is a $50 certificate for the society's Tip to Tail Boutique, and third prize is a $25 certificate.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 16, 2009 A2