See counsellor, lawyer to sort out marriage disintegrating because of infidelity

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I came home from closing up the lake a day early, and caught my wife in the act. I grabbed the guy and threw him out the door naked, and kept his clothes and wallet. He grabbed his keys when he first saw me, and tried to run. As far as I know, he drove home naked from our acreage outside the city. The jerk is married and I kind of know him from hockey. I got his address from his wallet, called 411, got his wife on the phone, and told her what happened. Now my wife hates my guts. She says she could maybe forgive me, if I hadn't ruined the guy's marriage, "because he has little kids." Really? What about ruining me? I am a successful businessman and stand to lose a lot of money if I divorce this woman, who is my second wife. She is sleeping in the basement bedroom now, and she locks her door. We barely speak and don't eat meals together. She refuses to move out because (I suspect) she wants the big house! All I know is she said outright she's "in love" with this jerk. Is there any hope for us? Up to a week ago I loved her so much. By the way, we have no children together and I don't like her no-good 17-year-old, who lives with his dad. She had been threatening to bring him here to live, and I said no way. -- Living Hell, near Winnipeg

Dear Living: You may have loved and trusted each other at one time, but that time is gone. Her heart has flown to this married man and you can't even trust her not to bring a guy home to your marriage bed. Is this the person you want to be married to, even if you still feel residual love for her? There are levels of cheating, but cheating in your bed in your home is near the bottom level. You don't have children together and you openly dislike her son, so there is no loss on the child front for you or her or the boy. Refusing to have her child come to live with you may have been what led to the vengeful way she conducted her affair. Is counselling worth it? Oddly, yes. It's always worth it to see a counsellor and get all the problems out on the table, even if it's just to make for a more peaceable separation and a monetary settlement that isn't fuelled by anger and revenge. See your lawyer and your accountant and a counsellor immediately. She is probably doing so already. If she weren't concerned about division of property, she wouldn't be camped out in the basement at this point.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Could I offer a few suggestions to "C" in St. Boniface, the 22-year-old with the bad experiences in dating? This, from a 50-something guy married for 25 years. People always say "things are different now," but many things never change. I'd suggest that "C" needs to go about his life without concentrating on dating. If he meets someone he likes, keep the meeting short, using some of the conversation leads that you suggested. Then ask her to do something mutually interesting, where the focus isn't sitting in front of each other at a table. Go to a football game, for example. Take her skating, even wander The Forks. Stop for a snack or drink after, and then take her home again. That should give "C" a pretty good idea whether he wants to see that person again. If the other person can't contribute to the conversation by this point, she probably isn't worth seeing again. Check that one off, and find someone else. Sooner or later he will find someone who "clicks" and he can take it from there. -- Call Me "S," Winnipeg

Dear S: Thanks for taking the time to help out a young man who's throwing up his hands at a time in life when he really wants to get into a stimulating and loving relationship. From a man's point of view, it is easier not to be focused on looking one another in the eyes, until there is a warm relationship formed already. Women, on the other hand, love eye contact right off the top.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 21, 2012 A15