Set your own sex schedule to fit your shift work

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My bride wakes up the moment I hit the sheets, no matter how quietly I try to sneak in from work, and wants immediate wild-style sex. I work for the city. I am so physically tired after I work my shift I'm not ready for lovemaking. She expects me to be on top of things, literally. She always tells me what a great husband I am, but I am running out of energy serving the queen. I suggested having sex after I sleep for a few hours, and she says she doesn't like the idea because I might not be awake enough or she might sleep through. I don't want to cut out the sex in our lives, and we do have some great sex on the weekends, but she wants it every single night, to prove my attraction to her. She is pregnant and on the chubby side and insecure. Any suggestions? -- Exhausted, North End

Dear Exhausted: Initiate sex when you want it, and before she asks for it. Keep her more than satisfied and secure on a schedule that suits you better. You should know it's doubly gratifying if one's partner initiates sex, especially for a person who is insecure about sexual attractiveness. To get started on this program, catch her in the shower the morning after making love the night before, so she feels double-done. Then go for it again another time later that day. Once she sees you are taking care of the sex in your marriage yourself, she will stop chasing you. Hopefully, you can slip her into a rhythm of daytime sex during weekdays and nighttime sex on the weekends when you're not working evening shifts. Whatever you do, don't announce your strategy. Smart warriors never reveal.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found a tiny piece of yellow sticky note in my husband's favourite suit pants -- a phone number with a woman's name, phone number and "Call me, xoxo" Hardly a business card. I asked him why he had this note in his pants and he said "some woman" handed it to him at a big business dinner, but he didn't pay any attention and intended to throw it out but forgot about it. I pretended to swallow that story whole and he went off to work whistling. I know his codes and passwords, having found then taped to the underside of his computer tower when snooping. Oh, I'm good. When he went to bed that night, I got hold of his phone and found that same number. I slept with him and waited until he left home early the next morning, and called up the number. A sleepy man answered. I said, "Tell your woman to stay away from my husband. She is messing with my family, and I will make big trouble for your family." My husband was on the phone to me within half an hour -- she must have called him screaming -- and he was doing the "deny, deny, deny" routine. He works for my father, and makes big money. Should I tell my father about his cheating? This is not the first time I've caught him. -- Furious Wife, South End

Dear Furious: Don't involve daddy if you and your husband allow a little of his cheating as a part of the marriage -- and it seems you do. You both live well because of the big money, and you seem to enjoy playing Sherlock. Since the cheating is a repetitive thing, how about moving this arrangement into an open marriage where both of you are honestly seeing other people, with rules of health and common courtesy, such as barrier protection and not staying out all night. If your husband loves dad's money job, he may be willing to agree to just about anything except monogamy. You know he can't manage that, even if he risks a breakup. By the way, you might ask if he's careless with evidence of cheating because he does want to break up. Then you have something else to consider and daddy should know about the cheating, before you make any settlements.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 16, 2013 D3