DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a 30-year-old guy, and I think I got used for sex. Maybe you can tell me. Towards the end of a fancy party, this well-dressed, sophisticated woman invited me home to her house in Tuxedo "for a drink." I followed her in my car. I was very impressed with the house and cars outside, and she just smiled. She gave me the equivalent of half a bottle of excellent wine and then she invited me on a tour of the house. She undressed me in her former husband's study, and by the time she was finished with me there and in the jacuzzi, and then the master bedroom, I was ready for sleep, but she sent me home in the cold. The next day I sent her two dozen spring flowers. I haven't heard boo from her since -- not even a thank you. I know her address and her name, but nothing else. I left her my card. Why didn't she call me? I thought she really liked me. Most women wouldn't act that way and then just leave a guy hanging. Frankly, it kind of hurts my feelings. -- Don't Get It, South End
Dear Don't Get It: Women who have been in an unhappy or boring marriage for a long time get tired of predictable sex and obligation. Sometimes, if they think they will never see the guy again, and he seems like a decent guy (as in, not dangerous) they will take him home for something akin to anonymous sex. They're not worried about feelings, reputation, how they look, or how they behave. There is nothing to answer for. They can be completely abandoned. But a relationship? Doesn't occur to them. A new relationship, when there are divorce papers on the table and lots of trouble, is the farthest thing from their minds. It seems you were the guy delegated for the one-night-of-great-sex role. Don't expect a call. The flowers were a lovely gesture and she probably smiled when she got them, remembering the night with you. But, that doesn't mean she's going to call and she isn't worried about your feelings. Whatever you do, don't go to her house. That would be chancy. There's a chance she might have been lying about her marital state and her husband might have been out of town.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm sorry, but I can't stand it that my man tried to bring sex toys into play. That should be the woman's role. Why is he bringing something he already has? I have no idea what this means. I was so turned off when my boyfriend asked me to take it out of the bag, I just said, "Take it back." I didn't even break the plastic. He looked very hurt and he hasn't touched me since. It's been almost a week. A woman has a right to say what she thinks and feels, doesn't she? Why is he sulking? -- Normal Woman, Elmwood
Dear Normal: By treating him the way you did, you inferred that he was not normal for bringing home a vibrator. Maybe he was just trying to be different from the men who can't unbend enough to enjoy playing with sex toys because they think it will outdo them and somehow diminish them. Yes, you have the right to say what you think and feel, but that doesn't mean you're free to be mean and insulting about it. That doesn't encourage anyone to be intimate with you or to hazard being experimental again. A relationship is not all about what the woman thinks and feels, you know. You humiliated your guy and he's staying away. It's time to apologize and talk to him softly.
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