Something fishy going on

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An easily obtained tree-based compound may soon replace whale vomit as a key ingredient in high-end perfumes. (THE ASSOCIATED PRESS ARCHIVES / U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR)

I am having a real hard time getting this big whale-vomit news out of my head.

It got stuck in there the other day when I was Googling random items and tripped over several news stories about a whale-related breakthrough the scientific community believes may be the most exciting development since the invention of the slide rule.

Consider this headline on an excellent Postmedia News story: "Say what? Synthetic whale vomit could shake perfume industry."

According to the online reports I have just read and partly understood, researchers at the University of British Columbia this month discovered how to use enzymes found in the resin of balsam fir trees to create a synthetic compound that can replace whale barf.

Yes, artificial whale vomit! Is that an exciting breakthrough, or what? Well, the truth is, it is very exciting, and not just because easy access to large quantities of fake whale barf would be a boon for teenage boys hoping to join fraternities by staging elaborate pranks at all-you-can-eat buffets, although that is a distinct scientific possibility.

The really exciting thing here is this breakthrough means an easily obtained tree-based compound may soon replace actual whale vomit, better known as ambergris, as a key ingredient in high-end perfumes.

If, like me, you were forced to read Moby Dick in high school, you know ambergris has been prized by perfume-makers for centuries for its remarkable ability to help scent cling to human skin.

The problem is -- get ready for a major surprise -- real whale barf is extremely difficult to harvest, which means it is also extremely expensive, costing somewhere around $10,000 a kilogram. The only reliable method for collecting this stuff is to follow hungover whales around after frat parties on keg night.

Whale: "I don't feel so good."

You: "Hey, you look like you could use a cup of cold gravy."

Whale: "BLAAAAARRRGGHHH!"

You: "Ka-ching!"

OK, I made that last bit up, but I was not kidding about how hard ambergris is to find. It's basically a wax-like substance secreted by sperm whales to protect their digestive system from sharp objects, such as seashells and surfboards. When the animals regurgitate -- kind of like cats heaving up fur balls -- the ambergris reacts with sea water and turns into rock-like chunks that wash ashore, where they can be collected by hand.

The great news is artificial plant-based whale barf can replace the real thing, not only helping to protect whales from the threat of poaching but encouraging the growth of fir trees, which is a win-win situation.

As a guy, however, the thing that astounds me is why anyone would want to go to such incredible lengths to help women smell better than they already do.

I will probably get into trouble for letting this particular cat out of the bag, but the truth is this: Modern guys do not care what women smell like.

I am not kidding about this. For example, you will never hear two guys sitting around having the following conversation:

First guy: "So, I hear you're dating Peggy Sue."

Second guy: Yes, I find her strangely alluring because she is as fragrant as a gentle summer breeze."

First guy: "Sweet!"

What women need to realize is men, like German shepherds, are incredibly simple creatures. You do not need high-priced perfumes to drive us wild with desire. You can drive a standard guy wild simply by glancing in his general direction at a bar, even if it is in the middle of winter and you are wearing a puffy parka big enough to shelter an all-terrain vehicle.

That's just the way men are wired. Our gender is oblivious to whether your particular fragrance may or may not contain real or artificial whale barf. Your dainty fragrance atoms don't have a hope of battling their way past the muscular stink molecules emanating from our manly hides, which give off the same potentially toxic aroma generated by hockey socks at the bottom of an old gym bag.

So, please, ladies, forget the expensive perfume. See that pathetic, lonely guy standing by himself in the corner? Do us all a favour and just look in his general direction. There, see how excited he is?

Maybe the two of you could have a drink together? Or go to a movie? Don't think of it as dating a loser. Think of it as saving a whale.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 25, 2012 A2