Start being assertive with mother

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm hurt and angry about my mother. When she retired we helped her move to the town where my brother, his wife and their four young children live, so she could help with the kids. I'm married, 40, no kids. My mom seems to have no interest in me. When I visit, my mom directs all her conversation to my sister-in-law and her kids. She will sometimes snap at me and make sarcastic comments. I finally snapped back in a store and she turned bright red and tried to make a joke of it. She also compares me to the grandchild she doesn't get along with, saying: "She's just like you." I feel embarrassed about my hurt feelings and have been cold and distant of late. Am I being immature and oversensitive? -- Left Out, Winnipeg

Dear Left Out: Feelings are a barometer which tell your internal truth -- you are hurting. Since distancing yourself isn't working, but calling your mom out on behaviour gets her attention, start being assertive -- someone she can't quietly hurt. You're not popular right now anyway, so stir the pot with honesty and questions. Start by saying quite frankly, when you're alone, "Why do you behave as if you don't like me?" She will deny that immediately. Then give short examples. "You ignore me when I visit and talk to others. You never ask about my life, You were sarcastic with me, and in public at the store. What annoys you about me?" Then be prepared to hear what she has to say, and ask for clarification. You may remind her of someone (your dad, her sister, her mom) and she is actually reacting to that person when she sees you. Or, she may be jealous of your "carefree" no-child lifestyle and relate better to a woman like your sister-in-law because of that. Check out a classic book about hidden family angers -- The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In your column recently, I noticed the letter from "Should I Accelerate?" about the mailman she's hoping to seduce. My former girlfriend told me of an incident (just before my time) with a meter reader. She was lying in her fenced backyard suntanning in her bikini with her top off when the meter reader knocked on her gate. She started to get up when she remembered that she did not have her top on. Then she thought it would be fun to see what would happen if she went the way she was, and did so. She quickly planned that the meter reader would (of course) notice her, as she was cute and had large breasts. She pictured that he would say that her breasts were not covered and then she would put his hands on them and say that they were now covered, and then they would retire into her house. Well, the meter reader said and did nothing! I must say he (and the mailman) had strong will and especially good training. -- Just Saying, Winnipeg

Dear Saying: Good for those two guys; it won't have been the first time. Both the meter man you mention and the mailman my reader had been wanting to seduce have seen way more of this nonsense than you will ever know. Guys who do home repairs sometimes find women trying to get cosy with them, too, as do bus drivers, cable guys and men in uniform, like police officers.

Please email problems for Miss Lonelyhearts to lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition August 27, 2012 D4