Stop lending a sympathetic ear; maybe she'll wake up

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: For a decade, my sister whom I love so dearly, has been in a roller-coaster of bad judgment, putting herself through hell. She's been in a relationship with this major scumbag who's very immature. He constantly cheats and treats her very badly. He has his fits and takes off on her and the kids with his paycheque, and returns when he's broke. Yet, my sister takes him back, over and over. When he leaves, I'm my sister's shoulder to cry on. I give encouragement and advice until I'm blue in the face. I've advised her to seek counselling for her low self-esteem, and she goes, but she's back to Square One once he returns. This jerk has such a big hold on her and her emotions! Sometimes I feel like shaking her and saying, "Wake-up. Enough is enough!" But instead I listen and hand her a tissue. She has to make the ultimate choice to get out. I'm so stressed out about this roller-coaster relationship, but I can't turn my back on her. The children need her and she needs to relieve her stress. I guess I'm the doormat to dump the bad feelings on, but what choice do I have? -- Sister's Doormat, Winnipeg

Dear Doormat: You and your sister are more alike than you think. It's been 10 long years of your saying, "What choice do I have?" It's time for everybody in this triangle to get mad and say "I've had enough!" That means you, your sister and the guy who keeps running away. You need to tell your sister immediately you're finished as her dumping-bin. The built-up stress of not having you for sympathy might make her mad enough to kick this guy out. It's partially your hand-holding and outpouring of sympathy that enables her to reduce the emotional pain to the point where she can spend yet another week or month with this guy. She feels she's blameless in this game -- merely suffering at his hands. Change your approach now! Since she doesn't care about herself, point out she's damaging her kids by modelling this behaviour, and needs to make changes or they will end up in her situation one day. She will not be happy with you. Why should she get serious help elsewhere, when she can get free counselling and carry on as star of this big soap opera? Does she have a job? You can help her make resumés; that would be constructive. A lot of women stay with men who are abusive for a roof over their heads. Tell her you're also willing to be a friend and have fun with her -- but the topic of her relationship is taboo from now on. Then bring over movies, have lunches, take the kids out. Let her get stressed enough privately, until she finally has to leave this toxic relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've recently come out as asexual. But, I have to wonder: How am I supposed to find someone to spend my life with? It seems like my efforts will be futile, due to my lack of interest in sex. I want to find a best friend -- someone I can count on and counts on me; someone who wants to share experiences with me; someone who loves me for me; someone who likes to cuddle and be close without constantly pushing for sex. I read your column almost daily, and there is such a heavy emphasis on sex, as well as in the comments section, that it really gives me little hope of finding love and companionship beyond a platonic friendship. -- Want Love, Little Sex

Dear Want Love, Little Sex: The worldwide Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) would be a good place for you to start. There are also online asexual dating personals, but it's helpful to know where you stand in terms of being attracted to an intimate friend. People with an asexual makeup will find they may be attracted to people of same or opposite sex, or both. They just don't desire their loved one physically, but will sometimes have sex if they are trying to please their partner or have children. If anyone knows of any asexual support or social groups here in Winnipeg, please write in with details and a contact number. By the way, there's a difference between not caring about sex and sexual release and not being able to feel sexual desire because of something missing in your physical makeup -- like normal hormonal levels. You might want to check that out with a physician before you reject physical lovemaking forever.

Please email problems to lovecoach@hotmail.com or write letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 12, 2012 C3