Stupid deeds work better with an excuse

I'm sorry if this column stinks. It's not my fault.I blame my hormones. I blame my status as a middle child. I blame my boss, who came up with this stupid idea. I blame my mom, my husband, my children and the new puppy for distracting me while I was trying to write.

If this column tanks, it has nothing to do with me. I'm the victim here.

This is my new go-to position, a catch-all for every mistake I make, person I offend or gaffe I commit. It wasn't me. It was biology. Or heredity. Or destiny.

My inspiration is Colleen Walsh, a Canadian broadcaster who was fined $2,460 this week after being convicted of failing to comply with the instructions of a flight crew member under the Aeronautics Act, and of assaulting another passenger under the Criminal Code.

This is very, very poor behaviour.

In court, Walsh admitted things went south. The problem was partially hers, she conceded, but everyone else on board also reacted poorly under pressure.

Walsh was flying from Ireland to Toronto when her plane was diverted for a medical emergency. She says she offered to help because she has taken CPR and first aid. Her kind offer was refused because she isn't a doctor.

And maybe because she was a little, uh, groggy.

Some shouting, bad language and general mayhem ensued. She admits she was already mad because the airline lost her luggage.

In the melee, she insulted another passenger and smacked him on the forehead. She disobeyed a crew member. She was arrested.

Some of us would have blamed the airline industry for squeezing us into tiny spaces, deprived of oxygen or a free sandwich. Others might have said Air Canada caused the whole thing by refusing to hand out little pillows and napkin-sized blankets.

Some of us are old enough to remember when you'd get a choice of hot meals and a glass of free wine and a seat big enough for an adult butt and maybe a smile from a flight attendant.

Sorry. That was my age ranting. Not my fault.

A less honest woman might have said the circumstances caused her to go a little kooky. Travel isn't fun anymore. Sometimes good people do or say stupid things.

Not Colleen Walsh. She explained exactly what happened.

She snapped, she said, because she had drunk two glasses of wine with her inflight dinner, missed taking her medication for menopause and had taken a sleeping pill. She said she was suffering from the previously unknown condition of menopausal exhaustion.

If only the court had bought it. There are hundreds of thousands of women who would have a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Someone get between you and a chocolate bar? Justifiable homicide.

Flipping like a seal because you're hot and can't sleep and then your husband asks you if you could settle down? Someone's going to need a time out.

Forget your Premarin and run a red light? Hey, you weren't in your right mind. You were suffering from menopausal exhaustion.

Now, I'm not saying (yes I am) Colleen Walsh wasn't suffering from menopausal exhaustion when she was booted off the plane. I'm just saying I wish I'd thought of it first.

I spend too much time on airplanes. As you read this, I'm in a distant part of the world. Well, unless I forget my Premarin and my security pat-down feels more like a third date and something gets said and something else gets said and suddenly it turns sour.

Well, then I'm in jail in Toronto and won't I be embarrassed I made fun of Colleen Walsh? Actually, I won't.

For all the women who boldly flap their arms in public to cool down and all the women who think they'll never get another good night's sleep and all the women who can't understand why 10 pounds of fat has glued itself to random parts of their body, I'm taking a stand.

If we're going to support the right to claim menopause made her do it, we want a more glamorous spokeswoman.

Courtney Cox, please get on a plane and do something stupid. Colleen Walsh needs you. We all need you.

lindor.reynolds@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 23, 2010 A9