DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I want to travel desperately this winter and my penny-pinching wife says no. I had quite a few drinks, walked into a travel agency and booked a trip for myself for one week to a place I know my wife would like to go if she weren't so cheap. Then I phoned her from the travel office and asked her if she'd like to join me and she said, "Take your brother." My brother is a 47-year-old virgin for a reason. In anger I called up my buddy with the worst reputation for being a tailhound and he immediately said, "Sure!" When I got home, my wife was smirking about my brother, until I told her who was actually going with me. Now she's at me every day to cancel, but I won't. What do you think and what would you do if you were me? I'm not going there to cheat on her. -- Not Giving In, West Kildonan
Dear Not Giving In: Your wife is going to make a federal case out of this and you will pay with endless suspicion and questioning. What would I do? Well, you're talking to a person who doesn't like to be pushed around, so I would not let her keep me back because she didn't get to choose my roommate. Damage Control: Phone her frequently on the trip and tell her how boring it is without her, since your buddy is always away chasing women. (That may or may not be the case.)
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am 15, kind of short and muscular and have always been able to beat up on my older brother until this week. He just discovered he had grown taller and stronger. When I punched him in the arm for hogging the computer, he jumped up and hit me so hard onto my back, I fell face first on the ground and he bent my arm up until it almost broke. My parents just laughed! What kind of parents are these? They always read you so I told them I was going to report them for the lousy parents they turned out to be. My freakin' arm almost broke in half. -- Arm Still Sore, Tuxedo
Dear Arm: For too many years your parents watched you bully your big brother. Why they didn't interfere beats me. Non-violence begins at home. Having said that, it's always amusing for people to see the underdog become victorious. People at movies break out into applause when this happens. Look, it's clearly time for you to discuss finding better ways of settling your differences before you actually do get your arm broken in two. Your older brother is the boss as of this week, unless you do some fast talking and try to become better friends.
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