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Tell MD your husband is not taking meds

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a weird guy when he's feeling well. He's even weirder when he's not. While he takes medication for his bipolar situation, he confesses he misses his highs. I had a sneaking suspicion he'd been skipping pills or he was cutting in half his medications to try and catch the wave on the highs. He acts differently at those times, talks faster, spends more and has a big surge in his sex appetites.

I have secretly talked to his doctor who told me to count his pills this month. I did and there were too many left, but my husband caught me counting the last ones, and now he says he can't trust me not to act like "a mental nurse." He is so angry with me, he's not talking to me much, except for stuff like "pass the salt." Should I talk to his doctor again, which would be a further breach of trust and perhaps get me in more trouble? -- Caught in the Act, Ft. Garry

Dear Caught: Talk to the doctor. Report the result. You're already in trouble for breach of trust, but then so is he -- he's been lying to his doctor. Sometimes you have to do things for the greater good, and in this case, that's your man's mental health and your happiness in the marriage. The partner of a person with a disease or condition counts, too. Don't let your bipolar husband force you into an enabling cone of silence at home that could make you suffer so much you have to walk away from the marriage.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a girlfriend who is on the pill and insists on using "high quality condoms." You know how that makes me feel? She wouldn't even want to take a chance on having a kid of mine. Shouldn't the damn pills be enough? Why does she have to be 150 per cent sure she doesn't end up with something of mine? I am thinking about breaking up with her. I hate unnecessary condoms and I hate the implications that what's in my cells would never do. -- Hurt, Tuxedo

Dear Hurt: You have a deep insecurity about the feelings of this woman; you don't think she'd be honoured to have your child one day. Although it's a risk, you should ask her if she sees a permanent relationship with you one day. It's better than guessing she doesn't find you 100 per cent worthy of being her life partner and feeling hurt and resentful. Here's a hopeful thought: Maybe she simply doesn't want a baby at her age and she tells you that. Or, you could be right -- maybe she sees you as a fine lover but not husband and father material. It's time to find out. If you want a woman who loves you madly and is ready to have your children, then go find her!

P.S. It's also interesting you say "I hate condoms." Every guy hates condoms, but that's no reason not to use them along with pills, as nothing is 100 per cent safe, used alone. Condoms also provide barrier protection for sexually-transmitted infections for her and for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We were going to a wedding and I put on this dress I'd bought to get ready to go and he told me to change it, that is made me look like a "tart." I said, "Where did you get that old-fashioned word and that idea?" He said, "I was brought up right by my parents who had respect. Just change it!" I said, "Up yours, left the dress on, and went to the car."

He didn't come out of the house. So, I used my keys after 20 minutes and drove to the wedding. He came an hour later in his truck. He said a husband has a right to tell his wife if she is dressed too sexy and I said, "You married the wrong woman," and he said so quietly I almost didn't hear him, "Maybe I did." Now what? -- Not a Tart, Selkirk

Dear Not a Tart: You have received a big surprise after your marriage. You and your husband have very different values regarding behaviour in public as a married couple. Now that this nasty event has been festering awhile in both your minds, you need to get this problem to a relationship counsellor. Boundaries are a huge issue and with more than one out of two modern marriages breaking up, big issues need to be discussed and worked out, more than ever. You two also need to learn a method of fair fighting which most counsellors teach right off the top.

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 27, 2014 A15

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