Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was sitting at a bar when I felt someone's eyes on my legs. I was wearing a fairly short skirt, but nothing inappropriate. I started to get annoyed and finally said, "What are you looking at?" and he replied, "I was just counting the beauty marks on your beautiful leg." One cheeky remark led to another; he was very funny, and I let him buy me "apology drinks." That led to wine and going into the hotel dining room for dinner and more wine and hours of conversation. Then the inevitable happened five floors up, looking out at the Golden Boy. Since I was in Winnipeg on a work trip, I thought the whole thing was very romantic and he was amazing.
He left at 3 a.m., saying he had to get a few hours sleep at home before work. I asked him for his home phone number and he hesitated, and gave me his card and cell number. I looked him up online and saw his weird last name with two initials at a residence, so now I know he's married. I'm so upset! He should have told me he was married. I told him I was single. Now it's all spoiled, even the memory of it. He owed me that honesty and didn't give it to me. I feel like phoning his wife. -- Taken For a Ride, Another Prairie City
Dear Furious: Leave his wife alone. Now is not the time for you to get huffy about morality. When he said nothing about his marital status, why didn't you ask him? Simple answer: you didn't want to know. If you did, the raunchy romance of that evening would have been spoiled, whether you did the wild thing or not. So either he had to blurt out the news about his marital status, or he could try to leave it alone. You bought into his silence.
Now let's talk about the gallons of wine you two imbibed. People become less intelligent and not so choosy when they're enjoying the fruits of the vine. Wisdom should start now with your taking responsibility for not asking him the big question, and drinking way too much. Then let this upset go, with a promise to yourself to always ask a guy early on if he already has a woman in his life.
Look at this honestly. The sad truth is you're disappointed, you actually liked this funny guy, and now there can be no more messing around. That's a good part of the reason why you're so mad.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my new husband, but not as much as I did when I married him six months ago. He's fun and cute, but I love him more like family now. We still have sex and it's good enough, but I'm finding myself attracted to a guy at the university where I work. It's a big attraction. I even dress up for him, go out of way to run into him and dream about him. Meanwhile, my husband has been getting fat and happy on my cooking, not that it should matter.
What does this mean about me? Did I marry the wrong guy or am I one of those shallow women who always wants what she can't have and will never be satisfied with a husband, no matter how nice? -- Nervous Bride, Winnipeg
Dear Nervous: When people are single, they often think nobody looks attractive, but the world seems full of attractive people once they're married and are supposed to stop looking around. You are a woman who loves the hunt, and it can go on right up to the wedding day. The bride wonders: will he actually show up? But then he does, and everything is OK until the honeymoon is over and the world becomes ordinary again. The mate has been caught.
This would be a good time to see a relationship counsellor, by yourself, and see if you can't work this issue out. As you suspect, the need to hunt could haunt you the rest of your life unless you examine it. Some women marry a guy who isn't totally in love with them so they're always chasing him, but that is a sad, insecure situation, especially if you want to have a happy family.
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