There's worse things you can do

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Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman in 1976's All the President's Men. Reporting is ranked low on list of jobs. (THE ASSOCIATED PRESS ARCHIVES)

Best jobs of 2012

1) Software engineer

2) Actuary

3) Human resources manager

4) Dental hygienist

5) Financial planner

6) Audiologist

7) Occupational therapist

8) Online advertising manager

9) Computer systems analyst

10) Mathematician

 

Worst jobs of 2012

1) Lumberjack

2) Dairy farmer

3) Enlisted military soldier

4) Oil-rig worker

5) Newspaper reporter

6) Waiter/waitress

7) Meter reader

8) Dishwasher

9) Butcher

10) Broadcaster

 

Source: CareerCast.com

Related Items

1. Polls

   • Which of these top- and bottom-ranked jobs would you rather have?

Based on the haggard looks I see on your busy little faces, it is clear a lot of you working stiffs think you are trapped in the worst job in the world.

Well, suck it up, Buttercup, because I am now in possession of actual scientific evidence that my particular job in the newspaper business is worse than whatever it is you do for a living, with a handful of exceptions.

I say this because I have just read a hard-hitting story in The Wall Street Journal -- which rarely makes this stuff up -- stating CareerCast.com's list of the best and worst jobs of 2012 ranks "newspaper reporter" as the fifth-worst occupation imaginable.

Seriously, CareerCast.com, a popular job-search website, ranked 200 jobs from best to worst on five criteria -- physical demands, work environment, income, stress and hiring outlook -- and "newspaper reporter" trailed most of the pack at No. 196.

I find this pretty startling, because there are a lot of great things about being a reporter, namely you can have all the pens and notebooks you want and, unlike TV broadcasters -- the 10th-worst job, by the way -- no one complains that your hair looks like it was styled by seagulls and your rumpled clothing resembles an unmade bed.

I'm not saying there aren't drawbacks to being a reporter. Sure, you get to defend the public's right to know and occasionally Dustin Hoffman will portray you in a glamorous movie, but every once in a while, a misguided editor will order you to leave the safety of your office cubicle and come into direct contact with the public or an actual news event, so there's that to think about.

According to CareerCast.com, the only occupations with a worse mix of low pay, high stress and danger are oil-rig worker (fourth worst), enlisted soldier (third worst), dairy farmer, (second worst) and, holding down the fort as the worst possible job of 2012 -- lumberjack.

Does that make sense to you? I mean, yes, lumberjack has a few drawbacks, such as the possibility of being crushed by a 300-foot pine tree or having a limb lopped off by a chainsaw, but there's a lot of upside, too, such as the fact you can wear stylish plaid shirts every day and grow a beard that makes you look like the leader of a religious cult.

Not that there aren't hazards in the life of a newspaper reporter. For example, we often receive stinging letters from irate readers who openly criticize us for improper use of the semi-colon.

What do you think the No. 1 best job is? For the second straight year, software engineer held down the top spot, despite the fact that, when all is said and done, most of the people who hold this position are, in fact, software engineers.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying software engineers are dorky... No, hold on, that's exactly what I'm saying. Fortunately for them, CareerCast.com only considered superficial factors such as high pay and low stress, and didn't take into account vital criteria such as "complete inability to get a date" or "spent entire career in high school having head dunked in toilet by members of the chess club."

In saying this, I realize there are perks to being a software engineer, such as unfettered access to the world's supply of pocket protectors and the ability to seek revenge on obnoxious newspaper columnists by hacking into their computers and shutting down their...

(Three hours later) OK, the IT guys have my computer functioning again, so let's take an unbiased look at some of the other jobs that were deemed horrible but not as horrible as being a newspaper reporter.

These include waiter/waitress (No. 195), meter reader (No. 194) and dishwasher (No. 193).

Yes, apparently these jobs are more rewarding and socially relevant than my own, as we see from this transcript of a fictional conversation between persons of the opposite gender in a local watering hole:

Single guy: "So, what's your sign?"

Single woman: "Hey, you're not a newspaper reporter, are you?"

Single guy (flashing ID): "Heck no, I'm a meter reader!"

Single woman: "Let's go back to your place, dreamboat."

Look, I realize some newspapers are struggling to survive in this digital world, but, no matter what the heartless analysts at CareerCast.com advise, I'm not going to quit my day job for the glamorous life of an actuary (second-best job) or a human resources manager (third best).

However, just out of idle curiosity, I've decided to spend the weekend enjoying high pay and low stress with a gang of software engineers.

We're going to hang out at the bar and make fun of lumberjacks. We will never be seen again.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 20, 2012 A2