DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I am really mad! I'm married to a handsome, charming man with a beautiful accent who doesn't have a work ethic. Yesterday I overheard him on the phone tell his brother in South America: "Canadian women love to work. It makes them feel important." Not that he'd know about work! He has training in a medical field that transferred to this country, but he quit soon after we were married. Now he sits on his beautiful butt until I get home from work to make him supper. When I see him sitting there, I feel so angry and so turned off. "Come on, I want to make love to you," he whines, but I don't want to. I see him as a blood-sucking leech. I told him, and he said, "You make enough money for two of us. What is the problem? When you have babies and don't want to work, I will go back and you stay home." I screamed back "No! I have a career I love. I will take maternity leave but I will NEVER stop working." Now what? -- Married a Good-Looking Leech, Winnipeg
Dear Married: In some cases, people don't know what they are getting into at the altar, especially when cultures are different. The kind of money your man sees you pulling in, may make him think resentfully, "What's the use?" or he may simply be lazy and see an opportunity to coast. There's fault on your side, too. In your marriage he waits for you to make him dinner, and you do it -- no confrontation! That's martyrdom. Something's got to give. If he's going to remain the stay-at-home mate, and there are no kids yet, then he should be doing most of the cooking and cleaning. So much for the little paper you signed at the altar. It's time to draw up a real deal, with a list of everything that has to be done weekly, the hours attached and who does what. Start with your 40 hours a week in one column. If nothing changes, there's no lovemaking and you don't have children on the way, it might be time to get out. No one should stay with someone they feel is sucking the life, and love, out of them.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: What I feel for my girlfriend is very sexual. I do things with her I can't even suggest to my wife. I wouldn't want to. That is the woman I make love to, the mother of my children. My girlfriend and I are crazy people in the bedroom. We do everything and anything -- and sometimes it is not sweet and nice stuff. My girlfriend wants me to leave my wife to be with her. I should tell her to go away, but I can't be without the sex. My body needs her like it needs its next breath. -- Torn Between Two, St. Boniface
Dear Torn: Your wife may be bored silly with you in bed and tired of being up on your imaginary pedestal. She no doubt wants to be your wife and lover. Just how nasty are those thing you like to do with your lover? In online personals, many Canadian men sign on to alternative sex sites simply because they like to give or receive oral sex, or enjoy a little light bondage, which is mainstream for most young to middle-aged couples these days. How old-fashioned are you? What do you think would freak out your wife? Write back with that info and you may find out you're actually standing on middle ground that might be fun for your wife, after years of being treated like a china doll. Since you can't imagine leaving your wife, you need to try to spice things up with her.
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