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Time for a two-nup?

Therapy centre offers couples a chance to make sure their relationships are road-worthy

By: Carolin Vesely

Posted: 02/7/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0 (including replies)

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Therapy centre offers couples a chance to make sure their relationships are road-worthy

It's almost Valentine's Day and time for your annual checkup.

This shouldn't hurt a bit. There won't be any invasive tests, and not much poking and prodding. They're just going to take your pulse, check your levels... look under the hood, so to speak. And you'll have your best friend by your side the whole time.

Now open your relationship wide and say "Ahh."

Aurora Family Therapy Centre, located at the University of Winnipeg, is once again offering free relationship checkups to Manitoba couples during Valentine's week.

Between now and Feb. 17, some 50 licensed marriage and family therapists will help an anticipated 100 or so couples examine and assess the state of their unions. As with a medical or dental -- or even automotive -- checkup, the goal is to catch problems before they become serious, affirm healthy habits, and find ways to prevent damage from normal wear and tear.

So if your relationship has already blown its engine, or if decay has long set in...

"It's not a therapy session," says Aurora therapist and instructor Miriam Baron. "It's more of a psycho-educational tool."

The program, formerly called marriage checkups, was developed and tested in the southern United States in 1991 and introduced to Canada in 2003.

When Aurora launched it in 2004, with just 35 therapists, the response was so overwhelming that several couples had to be turned away. The checkups, by the way, are not reserved for married or co-habitating couples. Any two people in an intimate relationship are encouraged to take advantage of the free service. But it takes two to tango; both partners must be willing participants

Baron, who has been involved since the beginning, calls the checkup "a gift for your relationship." And what better time than around Valentine's Day, when romance and coupledom -- idealized versions, especially -- are in the spotlight?

"Flowers and candy are great, but they'll be gone in a week or two," she says, whereas the gift of an hour to nurture one of the most important things in your life -- technically it's worth about $100 -- can pay off in immeasurable ways down the road.

Too often, by the time a couple ends up in a therapist's office, Baron says, they're either in crisis or communication as eroded to the point where they need to rebuild their relational foundation just to get the point where they can start doing the real work of couples therapy.

"When couples come to therapy, it's often as a last resort -- maybe someone has issued an ultimatum," she says. "It's very rare that it's a proactive appointment." A relationship checkup, on the other hand, is a non-threatening, no-pressure and even enjoyable introduction to therapy.

Here's how it works: You and your partner will each complete a 23-point questionnaire designed to rate each person's satisfaction in such areas as sex, money, parenting, fun and conflict resolution. The assessment tool, known as the Gleam Powell Checklist, gives the therapist a snapshot of your relationship and allows him or her to see problem areas at a glance.

Therapists will offer suggestions and resources to couples who wish to follow up on any issues that get uncovered, whether through counselling at Aurora -- which has reportedly seen a significant bump in post-checkup business in previous years -- or by accessing other Winnipeg agencies.

Couples will learn their strengths as well as their weaknesses and find out whether they're on the same page when it comes to things like household chores, parenting and in-laws -- not to mention the less tangible aspects of relationships, such as feeling connected, respected, valued and heard.

"Couples don't talk about their relationships much, at least with each other," Baron says. "They might talk about some problems but these other things don't normally get discussed."

Communication, she says, is by far the relationship issue that most commonly brings couples to therapy. "That's numero uno. It's the word that appears on almost every intake form."

Over the years, the checkups have attracted everyone from relative newlyweds to couples with decades of marriage under their belts.

Baron says it's helpful to think of an intimate relationship as a living entity: it is conceived, it grows, it matures and it can die if neglected.

"Relationships require nurturing, they require attention," she says. "There's an emotional bank account, and you always have to be investing into it so that when there's tough times, you can draw from it.

"The checkup is one of the things you can do to put something into the account."

For information and to make an appointment for a free relationship checkup, call Aurora Family Therapy Centre at 786-9251.

carolin.vesely@freepress.mb.ca

Helping hands

Aurora Family Therapy Centre (formerly Interfaith Marriage and Family Institute), located at the University of Winnipeg, is one of only two masters-degree-granting institutions in Canada accredited by the international Commission on Accreditation for Marriage and Family Therapy Education. The other is in Guelph, Ont.

Last year, Aurora therapists delivered services in more than 30 different languages

In addition to offering counselling to individuals, couples and families, the centre also has an equine therapy program (Horses Helping People) for at-risk youth, a therapy program for immigrant and refugee families, a bereavement therapy group for individuals who have lost loved ones to homicide, and therapy group for the family members of missing persons.

Fees are on a sliding scale, from around $13 to $98 per session.

For more information, go to aurora.uwinnipeg.ca.

Take the test -- without cheating

CHECK the point on each (five-point) scale which best represents your opinions and perceptions. Each partner fills out the questionnaire.

1. We are often playful together. We have fun, just the two of us.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

2. We spend time talking privately with each other several times a week.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

3. We can talk about almost anything.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

4. We often give genuine compliments to each other.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _Strongly disagree

5. I feel appreciated by my husband/wife/partner.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

6. I feel comfortable telling most of my feelings to my husband/wife/partner.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

7. I feel understood when my husband/wife/partner listens to me.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

8. I feel respected by my husband/wife/partner.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

9. I am satisfied with the way we spend our time and energy.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

10. I am satisfied with the way we each handle anger.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

11. I like the way we make decisions.

Strongly agree _ _ _ _ _ Strongly disagree

Indicate with a check mark on the (five-point) scale whether each of the following aspects of your relationship is a Very Important Strength or a Very Serious Weakness

12. in-law relationships